Ch Ch Ch Ch Changes
by Storywriter55
Summary: Middle age catches up to our favorite couple. Yes...even them! Part of the 'Milestones ' series (13.2 years)
1. Chapter 1

(13.2 years)

 **Ch...Ch…Ch…Ch...Changes**

 **Chapter 1**

Sara sat in front of her makeup table, eyes darting back and forth between her stunned reflection in the mirror and the small date book she held in her trembling hands. This could _not_ possibly be happening, no way, no how, she kept repeating to herself.

She took a deep breath and proceeded to count _again_ \- for the fourth time...48 days.

How come she hadn't thought to check before now?

No, no, no, no. This could NOT be happening again!

She thought back to the previous fall when she'd accidentally gotten pregnant at the ripe old age of 43 and the heartbreak that ensued for both Neal and herself when she'd lost the baby at 12 weeks. She couldn't go through that again; she couldn't put _Neal_ through that again. Although shocked to find out she'd managed to get pregnant in the first place, they had gradually begun to embrace the idea of growing their family to include another little baby girl. Neal, especially, had taken a real shine to the idea; he'd been totally devastated when Sara had miscarried in their kitchen in a most dramatic way – going into shock and needing weeks to recover.

She counted back, checking her calendar once more as she attempted to figure out what could have possibly happened. She recalled the infection she'd gotten in March, just before Hope's birthday. Dr. Cooper had said it was due to the spermicidal cream she'd been using with her diaphragm so they'd had to revert to using condoms for awhile – something Neal absolutely _hated_. Her mind churned... there _was_ that one night they'd gone out to dinner with the Burkes and Neal had made a fuss about slipping on a condom – he was tired, turned on and impatient to get on with it and she remembered giving in to his pleading eyes, considering she'd just had her period... her last period.

'Sara!' she heard coming from downstairs - Neal calling her down for dinner. 'Honey, dinner's on the table!'

She stared ahead, her breathing shallow. She needed to get to the bottom of this ASAP, at the very least, get a home pregnancy test, figure this out. This could NOT be happening again. She was a year older now and after her miscarriage, both she and Neal had truly made peace with the family they had – two great kids who were finally becoming more independent and self-sufficient.

'Honey, what are you _doing_?' Neal said, his voice impatient, as he appeared in the doorway to their bedroom.

'WHAT?' Sara screamed, startled by his sudden appearance and just generally pissed off.

' _What_ is your problem?' Neal barked back. 'I've been calling you for ten minutes!'

She took the small date book and stuck it back in the drawer of the small vanity.

'Fine!' she answered, her voice snippy, before standing to follow him out.

WCWCWC

'So, are we still on for dinner Saturday night?' Peter asked as he and Neal sat in the White Collar offices early on Wednesday afternoon.

The remnants of the pastrami sandwiches Peter had ordered in sat between them on the desk, along with half finished sodas and some greasy fries. Neal let out an uncharacteristically loud burp and grimaced; his stomach just couldn't take that kind of abuse anymore.

'Yeah, come by around 6:00' Neal said, stretching out and propping his feet up on Peter's desk. 'Is El still off seafood?' he asked as he thought ahead to what he might prepare for his guests.

Peter let out a puff of air as he shook his head. 'To tell you the truth, I don't know what El's into these days; she's acting like a crazy woman.'

'Oh, yeah?' Neal said, prodding his best friend for more.

Peter lowered his voice as he looked around, not wanting to make any disparaging remarks about his wife in the workplace where there were prying ears at every turn.

'It's _menopause_ ' he whispered dramatically. 'I only have one piece of advice for you, buddy' he continued. 'When _your_ time comes, head for the hills!'

Neal looked at Peter curiously. Elizabeth was always very sweet and kind to _him_ ; he didn't know what his best friend was complaining about. He, on the other hand, was married to Sara Ellis, the woman of his dreams – when she wasn't being a tornado in heels. Neal adored his wife, he _loved_ her dry wit, the way she would call a spade a spade, her hot, sexy body, the fact that he always knew where he stood with her. She kept him sane and he never wanted to find out what life would be like without her but lately...she'd been downright brutal at times and Neal was learning to duck whenever he saw that scary look in her eyes.

'Well, Sara's on the warpath and I don't even _know_ why' Neal added in commiseration. 'This morning she barked at me for ten minutes because she found a sock under the bed. I mean, seriously? She's been acting _really_ weird lately.'

Peter's eyes grew in response and his eyebrows rose, practically touching the ceiling. He knew Sara Ellis all too well.

'Alright, well, weird- _er_ ' Neal corrected.

Voices floated up from the bullpen and the men looked down, noticing Clinton Jones looking even more high strung that usual.

'What's up with Jones?' Neal asked. 'He barely looked at me when I said hi.'

'Ah! Ivy's due in a couple of weeks and he's... let's just say, he's walking on eggshells' Peter explained as Neal nodded, remembering all too well how Sara had been a crazy banshee in the days preceding their kids' births.

'Well, I guess I should get back to work. Those artifacts aren't going to authenticate themselves' Neal said with a sigh as he stood to leave.

WCWCWC

'That can't be right, Dr. Cooper' Sara Ellis said as she sat across from her doctor.

'What? Did you not think it would happen to _you_?' Joanne Cooper said with a laugh.

'Well... not yet anyway. I'm only 44!' Sara whined, the number sticking in her throat as she said it.

'Sara, it doesn't happen overnight. It's gradual... and until the well runs dry for 12 consecutive months, it's called _peri_ menopause' the doctor explained.

'Look, would you rather I sit here and tell you you're pregnant?' she added.

'No, no. Of course not... it's just that... Are you _sure_?' Sara asked again.

She considered herself a woman in the prime of her life. She worked hard to look and feel good, she still looked pretty damn hot for a forty something mother of two – at least that's what her ex-conman husband always told her. They still had a great sex life and she could keep up with most women half her age at work. Menopause was just not something that was on her radar; it conjured up images of old, dried up, miserable women with bad drugstore dye jobs.

'Sara!' Dr. Cooper said, bringing her out of her reverie. 'It's the circle of life, I'm afraid you're going to have to deal with it - just like the rest of us.'

Sara gave her a frustrated glare as her eyes narrowed.

'Look, the odds are astronomically against it, but keep in mind, you could _still_ get pregnant. Believe me, I get plenty of forty something mothers in here who thought they were safe' the doctor warned.

'I _hate_ that diaphragm - and I keep getting infections from that stupid gel' Sara moaned in her usual no-nonsense way.

'What about doing something permanent? Have you and Neal ever talked about him getting a vasectomy?' the doctor asked.

Sara stared ahead in surprise. A vasectomy? The word had never even been uttered in their house. Neal was squeamish about something as innocuous as a flu shot; someone slicing into his junk would likely put him right over the top.

'Or, you could get your right tube tied' Dr. Cooper continued. '...but that kind of operation is a lot more invasive than a vasectomy and frankly, I'm sure Neal would be the first to admit, you've had enough to deal with over the years when it comes to your lady parts.'

Sara rolled her eyes in agreement.

A vasectomy... looked like that word was going to have to be uttered in their house after all.

WCWCWC

'Do you know what Neal did this morning?' Sara said, her voice shrill as El leaned in to listen.

'He actually trimmed his toenails on the bed. I mean... ahhh, I'm telling you El, he's driving me crazy!' she complained as the man, sitting at the table next to them, turned to glare at them.

'Believe me, I get it. I really don't know what happens to men when they turn 50 – they become these insensitive louts' Elizabeth agreed as she took a bite of her salad.

'And then, he looks at me all dewey-eyed like he doesn't get _why_ I'm getting angry' Sara added, out of breath.

Lately, nagging Neal had become one of her favorite pastime – although she wasn't quite sure why suddenly, everything he did brought on these intense feelings of frustration and irritation. Come to think of it, Neal had _always_ trimmed his toenails on the bed, ever since they'd been married. She dismissed the realization without a second thought; it was easier to just stay pissed off at him than to try to analyze why those 'cute' things about Neal were suddenly driving her around the bend.

'What time is the shower on Sunday?' she asked.

'Two o'clock. Oh, you should see the great little outfit I got for the baby. It's a pair of coveralls with a matching sweater and socks. Sooooo cute!' Elizabeth bragged, between bites.

Sara smiled as she remembered all the cute baby clothes she'd gotten at _her_ baby showers. She thought back to her conversation with Dr. Cooper – sadly, those days were now permanently behind them.

'Clinton is supposed to come by and get the crib this weekend' Sara said, thinking back to the beautiful oak crib June had given them before Hope was born.

It was gorgeous and it brought back wonderful memories of when the kids were just babies. She recalled how scared she'd been when she was having her chemotherapy treatments – scared for herself but also scared that the crib Hope had outgrown would never be used again for another baby.

'I saw her last week at Peter's office' El added, speaking of their friend, Ivy Jones. 'She's literally as big as a small condo.'

Sara laughed in response and the man at the table next to them, glanced over again.

Women!

WCWCWC

Neal fell into bed, tired from a long day at work and an evening spent watching Liam throw hoops in a smelly gym. He curled up against Sara, who sat up in bed, glasses on the tip of her nose, reading e-mails from work.

'C'mon honey, put that away' Neal whined as he planted his face between her breasts, humming.

'Neal... stop...' she answered, most unconvincingly.

Neal's hand traveled down her thigh, palming her hips as he moaned; it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out where this was headed. Sara felt her willpower start to fade as Neal continued to move his hand insistently up and down her leg and she watched as Neal (accidentally?) grazed the laptop, sending it tumbling off the bed.

'Mmmm' Neal murmured, his mouth moving to her ear, causing her reading glasses to go flying in another direction.

'What do you say, babe... huh?' he mumbled, on his quest for informed consent.

Sara ran her hand down his cheek, bringing his face to hers as she kissed him, biting his bottom lip softly as Neal's hand made its way between her legs. Noting an unusual dearth of lubrication, he began to work a little harder; she probably hadn't had time to work up to it yet. He continued with the preliminaries, distraught that her body wasn't responding as it usually did.

'Oww' Sara complained as Neal began to work it more insistently.

'What?' he asked absentmindedly as he kept kissing her neck, moving down to her breasts as he deposited soft, lingering kisses all the way down.

'It hurts' she said, realizing that the required lubrication just wasn't materializing.

'What do you mean 'hurts'?' Neal repeated, doubling his efforts to rectify the situation.

'Neal! Stop it!' she said, now thoroughly pissed off that her body wasn't reacting as it usually did.

Neal had always been a problem solver – able to think outside the box (no pun intended) and he wasn't ready to give up on his mission quite yet. He let his mouth move down her body, lifting the comforter and bringing his face to her belly button on its way to where the problem seemed to be. Sara was about to push him off in frustration when his wet mouth finally arrived at its destination, Neal's tongue working it's magic – as it always did.

Sara let out a loud groan as Neal started to take care of business, her legs relaxing to give him better access. By the time he came back up for air, Sara was more than ready to move on to the main event, forgetting all about the little hiccup. He brought his mouth back up to her neck and positioned himself, ready to take the plunge.

'Whoa, whoa, whoa there, Caffrey!' Sara squeaked, interrupting Neal's fervor as she thought back to her conversation with Dr. Cooper. 'Condom!'

Neal let out a frustrated moan. 'Aww, c'mon babe... I'm sure it's fine' he murmured, trying desperately to stay in the zone.

'No!' she repeated insistently, remembering that feeling of utter anguish she'd felt earlier on in the week as she'd stared at herself in the mirror. 'No pay, no play!'

Neal flipped onto his back with a loud groan, acting like an impulsive 13 year old whose mom had just walked in on him doing the nasty; suddenly, he felt himself deflating and Sara, who'd now gotten herself worked up (or rather had let Neal work her up) turned to face him, trying to save the day before things got to the point of no return. She reached into the bedside table, grabbing for a foil packet as she ran her hand languidly towards Neal's nether regions, realizing she had some damage control to do... and quick.

'C'mon Neal! Don't be like that' she mewled as he lay there, pouting.

'Let me take care of that for you' she added with a gleam in her eye as a smile returned to her husband's face.

TBC


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

Liam Theodore Caffrey was like all eight year old boys; he loved sausage pizza, enjoyed playing video games, loved to play outdoors with his best friend Will and enjoyed spending time with his Uncle Mozzie, every chance he got. In stark contrast to his older sister who was headstrong and outspoken, Liam was quiet and unassuming with dark blond hair that captured the sun and green eyes that grew darker when the sun went down.

He slipped into his parents' bedroom, in search of his dad, whom he'd been assured by his know-it-all sister, was up there... somewhere.

'Dad?' he asked tentatively, seeing no sign of the man.

Neal peeked out from under the bed where he'd been collecting dirty clothes for the midweek laundry load and he let out a yelp as he hit his head on the bed frame.

'Ouch!' he yelled out as he suddenly appeared, rubbing his noggin. 'What is it, buddy?'

'Daddy, we got this paper at school, it's for a basketball camp this summer' the young boy said, waving said piece of paper in his hand.

Neal put down the laundry basket he'd been carrying and sat down on the edge of the bed, inviting his son to do the same.

'Let me see that' he mumbled, still smarting from the unexpected attack on his skull.

He glanced at the sheet of paper, noting that it was an invitation to a city wide elite camp for up and comers – if you could be described as an 'up and comer' at the tender age of eight. Liam had been showing a lot of interest - and promise - for the sport and the phys ed teacher at Ridgeway Elementary School had put together a small team of interested boys, anxious to foster the talent he'd observed in class. Neal was a regular spectator at practices in the school's gym and he'd noticed, all modesty aside, that his son was by far the most promising little player of the bunch.

'This is for kids from the whole school district, not just your school' Neal commented as Liam nodded.

'Mister Brooks said I could _imprude_ my aim and get better' he said as his dad smiled in response.

'You mean 'improve'?' Neal corrected as he playfully ruffled his son's hair. Liam nodded enthusiastically, undeterred.

'Do you _want_ to do this? It's a whole two weeks of your summer holidays – are you ready to give that up?' Neal asked, seeing the twinkle in his son's eyes.

'Let me just check the dates' Neal said, rising to grab the small date book he knew Sara kept in her make-up table. 'I think Mom wrote down the dates for the cottage in here...' he began as he started to leaf through the small calendar. 'Sometime in...' he stopped as he noticed the familiar little Xs through a week in mid-March. He did a double take as he realized today's date; it was May 12th and yet, there had been no Xs at all in April - or in May.

He stared for a moment, temporarily distracted, before returning to the task at hand and flipping over to the month of August. As expected, Sara had written in the dates for their annual cottage getaway – the last week before school started.

'You're good, buddy. We don't leave for the cottage until the week after camp ends.' Neal said absentmindedly as he flipped back to the month of March.

'Look, let me talk to Mom and we'll get this filled out, okay?' Neal added as he glanced at his son, standing there with a huge grin on his face.

Liam pranced out of the room, disappearing from sight as Neal's eyes returned to the pocket calendar, starting at the beginning of the year and noting Sara's tidy little Xs appearing at regular intervals, almost precisely 28 days apart. Sara had also circled the mid-cycle dates, the times of the month when he remembered all too well how she'd been on his case about birth control. But after March 22nd, there'd been nothing and it was... May 12th he confirmed as he checked his watch.

He counted the days – 52 – and he let out an audible gasp.

WCWCWC

Sara stepped into the bedroom, carrying the clean basket of laundry and sighing as she set it down on the bed.

'That's it! We're good 'till the weekend' she said as she began to put clothes away in their dresser drawers.

Neal sat up in bed, checking the news on his laptop as he did most nights before going to sleep. He'd somehow managed to bite his tongue all evening, not wanting to have _the_ discussion in front of the kids. Now that the house was quiet, he couldn't hold back any longer; he reached out to where he'd placed the date book, right on the bedside table, and he held it up accusingly as Sara frowned in response.

'You want to tell me about _this_?' he asked, ominously.

Sara stared back, puzzled. 'Hum... it's a... pocket calendar...?' she said slowly, wondering what he was talking about.

'We use it... to write down important dates...' she continued, teasing her husband and watching as his face darkened.

Neal gave her a look of exasperation, his eyebrows raised as he waited for some sort of explanation; her sarcasm not appreciated – not in the least.

Suddenly, Sara clued in to what he _might_ be referring to and she sat on the edge of the bed next to Neal, locking eyes with him.

'Please... please... tell me you're not...' Neal pleaded, unable to finish his sentence.

'No, no' she responded, putting him out of his misery as he let out a long, slow sigh.

'Thank God, I've been going out of my mind for the past two hours' Neal said. 'What? Did you just forget to write down your last period?' he asked – although truth be told, he couldn't even _remember_ her last period, something he usually kept close tabs on.

'Not exactly...' she answered evasively.

'What do you mean, not exactly?' Neal asked, putting down the little book and sitting up straighter. Suddenly, all kinds of troubling scenarios were running through his mind. Although Sara's battle with cancer was behind her and had been for over 10 years, every once in a while the irrational fear that it might return reared its ugly head.

'You're not sick, are you?' he asked, concern apparent in his voice.

'No, honey, I'm _not_ sick' she answered although telling her husband she'd started down the long road to menopause was not something she'd planned on sharing with him quite yet.

He waited patiently for her to go on.

'I missed a period and... well, I went to see Dr. Cooper last week and...'

'Sara, for god's sake, spit it out!' Neal said, growing impatient.

'It's menopause, Neal!' she blurted out loudly, suddenly standing and throwing her arms up in the air. 'It's _goddam_ menopause!'

Neal looked at her distraught face and stood to join her, letting a small laugh escape his lips.

He was greeted by a slap to the chest as Sara growled at him. 'So, you think this is _funny_ ' she screamed as Neal tried to placate her.

'No, of course not, honey... it's just, it's just a relief. I thought you were pregnant and...' he started as he tried to slip his arms around her waist.

Sara was having none of it; she had her pride and a good part of her self-esteem was tied into feeling young and healthy... and desirable. This was going to change _everything_ and she wasn't looking forward to all the horrible side effects related to the change of life – the irritability, the mood swings, the hot flashes, the weight gain, the night sweats, the vaginal dryness, the loss of sex drive.

'Sara, come on' Neal continued, his hand on her back. 'Honey, it's normal, it happens to every woman.'

Easy for him to say.

'I'm only 44, Neal. That's _too_ soon!' she declared in no uncertain terms.

Neal thought back to her latest little outbursts; although typically 'Sara', they _had_ been particularly petty and over the top and he began to put two and two together, remembering Peter's dire warning earlier in the week. He would definitely need to bone up on this and figure out how he was going to deal with a menopausal Sara. She was _already_ the most fiery, outspoken woman he'd ever met and if he was going to survive the next few years, he'd have to learn how to adapt. He thought of loving, sexy Sara – she was in there _somewhere_ and he reached out for her, bringing his lips to hers in an attempt to seek her out.

All he got for his trouble was another whack across the chest and a dirty look.

'Neal! Stop it! This is no time to be... kissing me!' she growled at him.

He continued, undeterred. He knew her all too well. 'I'd say it's the _perfect_ time' he crooned, calling on all his Caffrey charm to carry him through. Sara seemed to soften for a brief instant and he moved his lips to her ear, whispering softly.

'Baby... you're the sexiest woman I've ever known... that's _never_ gonna change' he moaned into her ear, pulling out all the stops.

'Stop...' she responded weakly with another half-hearted slap to his chest.

Neal pulled back to look into her eyes, noting she was finally giving in to his charm.

'At least, now, we don't have to worry about you getting pregnant' he said with a wide grin. 'No more birth control... no more condoms. Total freedom!' he said with his eyebrows raised lewdly and a satisfied smirk.

'That's just it... I could _still_ get pregnant' she corrected. 'As a matter of fact, it's more dangerous than ever since my periods are going to be so irregular.'

Neal's smile melted into a frown; not what he'd wanted to hear.

Sara moved back towards the bed, sitting as Neal joined her. Now that she'd managed to burst his bubble, she had his full attention.

'Neal, we've got to get this birth control thing settled once and for all. I keep getting these infections and Dr. Cooper doesn't think I should use the diaphragm any more' she began as his eyes narrowed.

'It's time to do something more... permanent' she added as Neal stared back, suddenly worried he wasn't going to like this one little bit.

'You could wear a condom for the next few years...' she began as Neal's shoulders slouched. He hated those damn things, always had and the thought of having to pull on a rubber every time he wanted to make love to his wife was to say the least, unappealing.

'Awww' he said, whining like a three year old. 'I _hate_ those things.'

'I know you do' Sara said, taking his hand. 'That's why Dr. Cooper suggested we talk about a...a vasectomy' she added, cringing. Her voice was so quiet Neal wasn't sure he'd heard right.

'A vasectomy!' he repeated, his voice loud. 'As in snip, snip?'

'Shh, Neal!' she admonished, aware that the kids were sleeping nearby. 'It's just... a suggestion.'

'Look, men do it all the time. It's no big deal' Sara reasoned.

Maybe other men, Neal thought, his hand unconsciously moving to his groin as he shivered.

'Well, what are our other options?' he asked. '...besides condoms.'

'I could see about a tubal ligation but Dr. Cooper says that's a much more invasive procedure. You know, honey, a vasectomy is really not that big a deal' she explained. 'The doctor can do it right in his office and the recovery time is just a week or so.'

Neal looked on in horror at the thought of having his junk poked at in such a crude manner. He shuddered at the thought and looked at Sara's face, noting a look of expectancy as she waited for him to get on board, without hesitation.

'Yeah, well... it's... certainly something to think about' he said, the best he could do at the moment.

Sara's hand went up to Neal's face as she tried to get him to look into her eyes. 'If you really want me to look into a tubal ligation, I will...' she began as he cut her off.

'No, no, honey. You've been through enough... just give me some time to... to wrap my head around it, okay?' he said, covering up his revulsion at the thought of someone slicing him open... down there.

He pulled her in, feeling Sara melt in his touch; maybe this was one of those times he needed to cowboy up and take one for the team although, at the moment, he couldn't possibly imagine how he was going to manage to do that.

'It's okay' he lied as he shuddered. 'I'll take care of it.'

TBC


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

By Saturday afternoon, Neal was still mulling over his late night chat with his wife about the big 'V'. Although he was the first to admit the time had come to move on to a more permanent solution to their birth control dilemma, he couldn't quite bring himself to commit to having his genitals mutilated in such a barbaric way. He'd gone on line to research the subject and he'd made the ill-advised decision to watch a video of the procedure - although he'd only managed to watch the first thirty seconds of the damn thing before averting his eyes and slamming the laptop shut in revulsion. Truth be told, it had merely taken the image of the medical instruments laid out on a sterilized tray to push him right over the edge.

Of course, he knew Sara was right. She had been through so much already - beginning with her surgery, her chemotherapy treatments which had been followed by months of anxiety, to say nothing of the ensuing years of follow-up appointments. It was his turn to step up to the plate and take one on the chin - although it wasn't really his chin he was worried about.

Short term pain for long term gain, he kept repeating to himself although the days passed and it didn't make things any easier. Sara had left the name of a urologist Dr. Cooper had recommended on his chest of drawers and he hadn't even had the courage to pick up the damn piece of paper and look at it.

Spending time in his studio was always a great way to relax and after lunch, Neal headed down to his version of a man cave to distract himself with his current work in progress - a painting of Liam shooting hoops in the school gym. Peter and El were expected for dinner and he would need to get down to the food preparation by mid-afternoon but in the meantime, he settled in to work at his beloved easel with the mellow sounds of the Eagles playing in the background.

WCWCWC

'Raffie!' Sara called out as she put down his bowl of food.

The dog didn't usually need _any_ prompting whatsoever when it came to mealtime; as a rule, he was right by her side the moment she got anywhere near the cupboard where the dog food was kept.

She walked over to the top of the basement stairs and called out. 'Neal! Is Raffie down there with you?'

'No' came the answer as Sara continued to search the house for the dog. 'I put him out in the yard about ten minutes ago.'

The Caffreys' backyard in lovely White Plains, New York was nice and spacious, the perfect playground for a large dog like Raphael and he loved to roam around its perimeter for hours on end. He could usually be found lazing on the deck in the warm sunshine when he wasn't busy sniffing around the flower beds or chasing down the odd squirrel.

Sara opened the patio door off the family room and ventured out to look for the mutt in the bright afternoon sunshine, noting, at first glance, that he was nowhere in sight.

'Raffie!' she called out as she poked around a couple of his favorite hiding spots. She walked to the very edge of the deck and peeked around the corner, immediately spotting the gate leading to the front of the house was wide open.

Her blood pressure shot up as she made her way back into the house, furious.

'Liam Theodore Caffrey, get down here – RIGHT NOW!' she screamed at the top of her lungs.

Neal was the first to appear, barefoot, in his undershirt and loose fitting pants – his outfit of choice whenever he worked in the studio.

'Sara! What the hell's going on? I'm sure the whole neighborhood can hear you' he complained as he came into view.

' _Your_ son left the gate open... AGAIN' she shrieked. 'And now Raffie's disappeared.'

'That's okay, we'll get him back' Neal said, his voice calm as he attempted to tone down the histrionics. This wasn't the first time the smart pooch had found an escape route out of the yard and it surely wouldn't be the last.

'Neal, this happens _every_ single time! Liam needs to learn to close the damn gate' she continued, obviously not done with her rant.

'Mom?' Liam said quietly as he appeared, not sure he wanted to interact with his mom in the state she appeared to be in.

'Liam, how many times have I told you to keep the gate closed!' she shouted, her face red, veins protruding from her neck.

'But my ball went over the fence and I went out to get it' Liam explained.

'Well then, get your ball and close the gate behind you!' Sara continued, undeterred.

'Honey, we'll get him back' Neal said as he wandered to the front of the house to grab a pair of sneakers and a shirt. 'Calm down.'

As soon as the last two words left his lips, he knew he would live to regret them. Sara was in no mood to be told to calm down - something she absolutely hated hearing when she was in the middle of a major hissy fit.

'CALM DOWN?' she shrieked, her eyes popping out of her head. 'Well, that's just _great_ coming from the guy who put the dog out in the yard in the first place!'

Neal glared at his wife, a look of exasperation on his face. Lately, when she flew off the handle, there was absolutely no way to reason with her; he let out a long suffering sigh and walked over to where Liam stood, placing his hand on his shoulder.

'Come on buddy. Let's go see if we can find Raffie' he said calmly as he turned to leave.

They disappeared out the front door and Sara stood in the kitchen all alone, her body shaking as she instantly dissolved into tears.

WCWCWC

'Dad, why is Mom so mad all the time?' sweet little Liam asked as he sat in the car next to his dad.

Neal took a deep breath, uncertain how to go about giving his eight year old son a simple rundown of the feminine mystique, specifically the hormonal fluctuations of the menopausal woman.

'Buddy, she's not just mad at _you_ , she's... mad at everybody right now' Neal explained.

'Why?' Liam asked innocently.

'Well, getting older isn't easy and women... well, women's bodies change when they get to be Mom's age and sometimes they get irritated and frustrated and we don't always understand why they behave the way they do' he continued. 'To be honest, I'm not sure Mom understands it herself.'

'But why does she yell at me?' the boy asked, obviously upset.

'I ask myself that every day' Neal muttered under his breath. He reached out to pat his son on the arm. 'Just don't take it personally, okay, it's not your fault, buddy.'

They drove up and down the neighboring streets on their way to the local park, where Raffie loved to roam free. As expected, they could see him in the distance, sniffing repeatedly at nothing and stopping every few feet to raise his leg and leave his scent.

'There he is, Dad!' Liam called out, pointing.

By the time they came home with the dog in tow, Sara had all but reverted to her old self, no sign of the crazy banshee who had been there minutes before. Raffie ran in excitedly, making a beeline for his food dish as Sara's eyes met Neal's.

'I'm sorry... I lost it' she said quietly as Neal gave her a head nod towards their son.

'Liam, sweetie' Sara said as she walked over to him and touched his hair. 'I'm sorry I got so upset, I shouldn't have screamed like that' she admitted sheepishly.

Liam just shrugged and let his mom hug him, something she seemed hell bent on doing whether he liked it or not.

'But, next time, please remember to close the gate' she added, kissing his forehead.

'I will' he mumbled as he headed back up the stairs.

Neal could see Sara had been crying and he tentatively made his way over to her, unsure which of the many Saras would be peeking out from under that copper head of hair.

'Look, honey...I'm an adult and I can take it but Liam's just a kid. You don't want him remembering you as the mom who yelled at him all the time, do you?' Neal attempted as Sara looked down, embarrassed about her earlier outburst.

'You don't understand, Neal' she said as the tears returned. 'It's like my body's been snatched by some alien and replaced by this... crazy woman.'

'Awww, come here' Neal said as he opened his arms, enveloping her in warmth and understanding. He rolled his eyes at no one; it was going to be a long... and bumpy ride.

WCWCWC

'Well, I finally brought up the idea of a vasectomy the other night' Sara said as she and Elizabeth worked side by side, chopping up vegetables for a salad.

'You're kidding! How did _that_ go over?' El asked

'Like a lead balloon' Sara answered as she glanced out at the deck, watching as Neal and Peter sat sipping their drinks.

'I'll bet' Elizabeth said. 'If he's like every other man on the planet, he's probably freaking out at the thought of having someone tamper with his junk.'

'To his credit, he covered it up pretty well' Sara answered. 'He doesn't want me to have to go through another operation...plus the fact that he realized my period was late and, for a couple of hours, he was terrified I might have gotten pregnant again.'

Elizabeth giggled. 'Wow. That should be motivation enough to get him on board.'

Sara let out a long, slow sigh as she thought back to how she'd totally lost it with Liam. She didn't like being _that_ person, that crazy lady who couldn't control her emotions.

'So, how do you cope...with this... menopause thing?' Sara asked tentatively.

'You just _do_ ' answered Elizabeth. 'Some days are better than others.'

'I'm afraid I'm going to alienate everyone around me before this is over' Sara admitted. 'I totally lost it with Liam this afternoon; I thought he was going to run off and hide under his bed.'

El put down the knife she was holding and glanced sympathetically at her best friend. 'Believe me, I get it. Peter gets this look in his eyes like he's terrified I'm going to throttle him and then I realize I'm the one who put that look of terror in his eyes.'

'I know...' Sara said, sadly. 'I don't _want_ to be that crazy lady but I can't seem to control myself. And poor Neal, I feel so sorry for him...married to a raving lunatic.'

Elizabeth smiled at Sara as she gently touched her arm. 'Maybe you want to talk to your doctor about hormone replacement or some other medication' she suggested as Sara shrugged.

'And maybe you want to talk to Neal' she added.

WCWCWC

Neal peeked through the patio door, noticing the women deep in conversation. He wanted to talk to Peter about a couple of things and he didn't want the women overhearing.

'What's up? Why are you acting so jumpy?' Peter asked as he took a long, slow pull on his beer.

'Is it _that_ obvious?' Neal asked as he nervously glanced towards the kitchen once more.

'You look like you're expecting an anvil to fall on your head' Peter joked.

'Not an anvil but...Sara's been acting like a crazy lady and I never know what she's going to say or do whenever I get within striking distance. Most times, she's just sweet, loving Sara and then, bam, out of the blue, she morphs into a person I don't even know.'

Peter raised his eyebrows and tilted his head to the side. 'I warned you...' he said.

'Look, don't get me wrong; Sara's always been headstrong and fiery and...well...' Neal said, his voice quiet '...I _love_ that about her, you know...how strong and independent she is. We've been married for almost twelve years and her crazy sense of humor, the way she calls it like it is... it's, you know...it's sexy.'

Neal looked down at his glass of wine, slightly embarrassed. 'But lately, those little ways I've found over the years to get her off her high horse whenever she goes a little ape shit...' Neal said, his voice quiet '...well, they're just not working anymore.'

'I hear you' Peter responded as he shook his head in empathy.

'And to top things off, she wants me to have a vasectomy!' Neal whispered.

'What?' Peter countered, shocked.

'Shhh!' Neal checked that the women were still out of hearing range before continuing. 'Well, after what happened last year, we both realize it would be a disaster if she got pregnant again. That ship has sailed, if you know what I mean' Neal confided.

Peter listened as his best friend unburdened himself.

'And there are only so many ways...you know...to make sure it doesn't happen again' Neal mumbled.

'Are you going to go through with it?' Peter asked, leaning forward in his chair.

'I don't know...' Neal answered with a long suffering sigh. 'It's me or her and...well, I can't ask Sara to have surgery after everything she's been through.'

'Why do I sense a 'but'?' Peter asked.

Neal rolled his eyes, as if the answer was obvious.

'Yeah, I suppose' Peter said as he nervously crossed his legs in response to a sudden, strange sensation in his groin.

The patio door slid open and Neal practically jumped out of his skin.

There stood Sara, looking like a domestic goddess in a 'kiss the cook' apron and carrying a plate of T-bone steaks. 'Honey...' she said, her voice soft and sweet '...it's time to fire up the barbecue.'

TBC


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

'So, tell me again why you're coming with me to the baby shower' Sara said as Neal climbed in the car.

'I told you, Jones suggested we have a poker game in his man cave while you girls do... well, whatever it is you do at a baby shower' Neal explained for the third time.

Either Sara wasn't listening or her memory was going wonky – or most likely, both.

'Oh, right!' she answered as she placed the large shower gift in the back seat of the car and settled in next to him.

'You sure Hope's going to be okay on her own?' Neal asked, as always the doting father.

'Honey, Olivia's with her and Donna's three doors down' Sara responded flatly.

'Right, right...' he said as he put the car in gear and backed out of their driveway.

Clinton Jones had been late to the party, marrying his sweetheart Ivy Cooper after a long six year courtship. He'd always been a mama's boy and he'd spent his whole adult life searching for just the right girl to be the mother of his children, a no-nonsense, tough woman with a gentle touch and a warm heart. By all accounts, Ivy was all those things and, over the years, she'd developed an easy friendship with the crowd from her husband's workplace including Sara, Elizabeth, Diana and Christie.

The Jones had settled in New Rochelle, in a pretty little neighborhood within easy commute to Clinton's job at the FBI. They'd been married just under a year and Clinton had been thrilled to announce to his mama that they were expecting a little boy to carry on the Jones name.

It was a short, easy drive from White Plains and Neal and Sara arrived, parking on a side street and noting the large number of cars nearby as everyone assembled for the big 'do'.

'Caffreys! Welcome!' Clinton said in greeting as he opened the door and led them inside. The living room was decorated with the obligatory balloons and streamers, a rocking chair placed strategically in the middle of the room - ostensibly for the mother to be to sit in and be spoiled by the many guests.

'Sara!' came Ivy's voice as she appeared behind her husband, hugging the newcomer.

'Ivy, you look amazing' Sara said, in all sincerity, as she looked at her friend, standing there looking stunning in a bright blue maternity dress. She didn't remember _ever_ looking this good when she was pregnant with their two kids.

'Hey Neal!' Ivy added as Neal hugged her warmly.

'Ivy, that color looks amazing on you' he said, his conman persona making an unscheduled comeback – he was the king of political correctedness after all.

'Why don't you head on down' Clinton said to Neal as he pointed to the basement stairs. 'Peter's already here.'

Neal gave his wife a dutiful peck on the cheek as he waved to the many women sitting around the living room; he wanted out of there as quickly as humanly possible! He'd almost made a clean getaway when he was accosted by Athena Jones, Clinton's bigger than life mom who ruled the roost with a iron fist.

'Neal!' she called out warmly as she practically wrestled him to the ground with an enthusiastic hug.

'Mrs. Jones!' Neal responded just as ardently while Clinton stood back and admired the Caffrey charm at work. 'You look fantastic!'

Neal knew he wasn't getting by her anytime soon and he willingly submitted to the overbearing greeting as the large woman pinched his cheek in earnest and placed a big fat kiss on his cheek.

'I swear, you look more handsome _every time_ I see you!' she enthused as Neal smiled broadly.

'Awww. It's all smoke and mirrors, Mrs. Jones... smoke and mirrors' he answered modestly.

'Well, you boys get settled downstairs. I've made some special snacks just for you' she declared as she headed back to the kitchen, arms waving in the air.

Ivy exchanged knowing looks with Sara; whenever Mrs. Jones was visiting from out of town, she was in charge in the kitchen, regardless of the fact that she was in her son's home with her more than capable daughter-in-law.

Neal slipped down the stairs, anxious to get away from all that estrogen and he let out a sigh of relief at the sight of Peter, mingling with a couple of Clinton's relatives, anxious to get the poker game underway.

Peter took one look at Neal, noticing the red lip prints on his cheek and he reached into his pocket for a handkerchief, handing it to Neal who stared back with a puzzled look on his face.

'Mrs. Jones?' he asked as Peter nodded. He wiped off the lipstick stain and started making the rounds, noticing a couple of familiar faces.

'Mr. Jones! It's nice to see you again' Neal said in greeting as the man put out his hand.

'Jedediah, please' he corrected as Neal smiled.

'You remember my brother-in law, Darryl' Clinton said as the younger man stepped forward.

'Of course' Neal said, schmoozing. 'We met at the wedding. I _thought_ I saw your lovely wife upstairs.'

'Good to see you again' Darryl said as Clinton invited everyone to take a seat at the poker table he'd set up in the middle of the room.

Suddenly, Mrs. Jones came thundering down the stairs unsteadily as Clinton rushed to meet her.

'Careful, Mama. You're going to fall' he said protectively.

'I'm fine Clintie' she said as she handed him the platter of wings and potato skins she'd prepared for the group of men.

'Clintie?' Peter mouthed as he glanced over at Neal, both of them suppressing a laugh.

'Let's play!' Jedediah Jones called out, anxious to get started.

WCWCWC

Elizabeth and Sara sat side by side on the loveseat as they watched their friend, Ivy Jones, open one gift after another, letting out the requisite 'oohs and ahhs' with every new gift.

Sara marvelled at how much things had changed in the eight short years since she'd last given birth. The stroller Ivy was unwrapping made the one they'd used for Liam look like something from the Middle Ages. This one was sleek and had a reversible seat, an extendable canopy and air filled tires. She shot a glance at El, rolling her eyes – a look that was returned by her best friend.

Sara glanced at the stack of clothes and toys Ivy had received, suddenly feeling an emptiness in the pit of her stomach. It had been a long time since she'd held a newborn in her arms and her mind began to wander as she imagined starting all over again; the excitement she and Neal had shared when she'd gotten pregnant, the months of cocooning, that feeling of pure bliss when the baby was placed in her arms for the first time. Once Neal had the procedure she'd been nagging him about, there would be no turning back. Was she really ready to leave that all behind for good?

'Here, try the cheese puffs' Mrs. Jones said, interrupting her musings and shoving a plateful of hors d'oeuvres in Sara's face.

Sara smiled politely, returning her gaze to Ivy, looking glorious in all her pregnant splendor.

WCWCWC

'Well, Caffrey' Clinton's dad said as he scooped up his winnings. 'It looks like today's just not your day.'

Neal smiled a counterfeit smile, acting nonchalant, trying to camouflage his competitive streak as best he could. He hated to be outsmarted and outplayed and he realized it was time to fall back on his unique skill set before he lost face for good.

'The game's not over yet' he said ominously as he reached into his pocket.

Although everyone had pretty well broken even, Neal had been on the losing end of Jedediah Jones' winning streak and he'd left the hundred bucks he'd budgeted for the game on the table to be scooped up by the older man. Peter watched with interest; he knew Neal hated losing even though he always tried to look like a good sport and he waited to see how Neal was going to get himself out of the hole he'd dug for himself. The FBI agent was pretty sure that Neal had been playing on the up and up until this point, refraining from resorting to his many tricks but he could see that all bets were off now that his best friend had been pushed just a little too far.

Neal pulled out the billfold he'd vowed not to take out; the money he'd set aside earlier was all gone and it was time to resort to 'serious' money. He placed the money clip on the table, preparing to pull out another twenty when something caught his eye. Slipped in right on top of the short stack of bills was a piece of paper he immediately recognized. Apparently, Sara had given up on him picking up the name and number of the urologist she'd been pushing him to see and she'd taken it upon herself to slip it directly into his pocket – as always, she was as subtle as a freight train.

Darryl looked down at the piece of paper, recognizing the name.

'Is that Dr. Kirkwood, the urologist?' he asked with interest as he read off the piece of paper.

'Hum... yeah' Neal answered as he quickly grabbed it and shoved it back into his pocket.

'He did my vasectomy last year' Darryl began as Neal's ears perked up.

'Oh yeah?' Neal said, urging him to continue.

'Worse week of my life!' the man said as Peter looked on, worried about where this was going.

'I was in excruciating pain for two solid days. Ice, narcotics, nothing worked and then I had this horrible swelling on my testicles and the bruising... don't even get me started' he said as his father-in-law glared at him with a look of distaste.

'Anyway' the man continued 'I'm glad that's all behind me.'

Neal smiled an uneasy smile; he could feel Peter's eyes boring into him and he chose to keep his eyes focussed on the game instead.

'So' Neal said dismissively, shaking off the uneasy feeling. 'Ready to be cleaned out, gentlemen?'

WCWCWC

'Dinner at Le Manège? That's pretty extravagant for an early Sunday evening dinner' Sara said as Neal pulled into the restaurant's parking lot.

'Well...Hope's having dinner with the Masons and Liam's still at Will's; why shouldn't we have a nice dinner out?' he answered coyly.

'Don't forget Clinton and his brother-in-law are coming over around nine o'clock to pick up the crib' she reminded him as Neal nodded in response.

'We'll be back in time' he answered, looking pretty pleased with himself.

'I take it you were pretty lucky at the poker table, then?' she asked, curious.

'Let's just say, dinner's on me' he answered evasively as he smiled at his wife.

'Spit it out, Caffrey' she said, knowing there was more to the story.

'What? Just a... couple of hundred bucks, that's all' he finally admitted. 'Lady Luck was on my side.'

'Al-right...' she said, not wanting to push things any further. 'Well, I don't know about you but I'm having the scampi.'

WCWCWC

'Have you seen your mom?' Neal asked as he came down the stairs to find Hope spread out on the couch, watching TV.

'She's in the basement getting stuff ready for Ivy's baby' Hope answered without bothering to look up.

Neal nodded remembering Clinton was on his way over to pick up the crib. He made his way down to the basement, past his studio and the laundry room and into the unfinished section of their basement where they kept all the stuff they'd accumulated over the past twelve years in their house.

He could see Sara sitting on one of the large storage containers, lost in thought, as she held something in her hands. As he got closer, he recognized the item – it was the little dress Hope had worn home from the hospital. He remembered buying it at one of those trendy baby boutiques near the Federal Building and surprising Sara with it when he'd come to pick them up at the hospital all those years ago.

'Hey' he called gently as her eyes came up to meet his. 'Taking a stroll down memory lane?'

Upon closer examination, he noticed her eyes were full of tears and he crouched down to face her, touching her cheek and holding her gaze.

'Hey, hey, what's going on?' he asked, concern apparent in his voice.

'Just... damn hormones!' Sara said dismissively.

Neal knew better. Parting with baby clothes was a final step in facing the fact there would be no more Ellis-Caffrey babies... ever. He glanced down at the tiny newborn outfit, wondering where the time had gone.

'I remember when I bought that thing' he said with a faraway look in his eyes. 'I was still on anklet... we were finishing up the Santini case and I went out for lunch one day and came back with it. Peter teased me mercilessly... We had just found out we were having a girl and I just... I couldn't resist.'

Sara smiled through the tears. 'And on the morning I left the hospital, you turned up with it and insisted she wear it home – even if it _was_ a really cool morning. I remember how she cried when you put it on her... you were trying to get her tiny little arms in the armholes...'

Neal nodded in agreement. 'She was soooo tiny' he said as he glanced over at the pile of clothes Sara was preparing to give their friends for their new little boy and he spotted a familiar item. He reached over, picking it up in his hands as he laughed.

'Do you remember that Christmas the kids were so sick and Peter and El were out of town' he asked as Sara nodded.

'How could I forget! It was the Christmas from hell' she laughed.

'It was not!' Neal shot back. 'I took Liam to visit Peter at the office and I was so proud to show him off to everyone. He was what - no more than six months old. Anyway, I got him all dressed up in these cute little coveralls with the matching little shirt and socks and I proudly carried him in. By the time we left, he'd had massive diarrhea all over the conference room table and this little suit was ruined.'

He looked down at his hands. 'Looks pretty good now, though... maybe we don't need to tell Clinton and Ivy that story' he added with a laugh.

'Oh, Neal. Are we really ready to close that chapter of our lives for good?' Sara asked, her voice full of emotion.

'What? Are you having second thoughts about making it permanent?' he asked as he touched her cheek.

Sara shrugged and smiled at Neal. 'I don't know...' she whined.

'Honey... As much as I'm _not_ looking forward to getting snipped, I think we've got to let it go, don't you?' Neal asked, the voice of reason amidst all the emotion.

Sara let out a sob as her breath caught in her throat. 'It's... it's like admitting we're too _old_ to have another baby.'

'Well, honey...we kind of are' Neal said with a chuckle as he touched her hair. 'Look, I'm turning 50 this year and... well I really don't think we want to start all over with diapers and toilet training, do you?'

Sara nodded; she knew he was right but it didn't make it any easier to let go.

Hope's voice was heard, bellowing from upstairs. 'Dad! Clinton's here!'

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

Neal sat at his desk at Finch and Johns wordsmithing his latest report. The recovery of a rare talisman dating back to the early 1700s had been unexpected; the item had been on their watch list for over a year, having been declared stolen by one of the firm's most elite clients. It had turned up amongst some other rare items when a fence had recently been arrested and Neal'd had a great time studying it before proclaiming, with utmost certainty, that it was indeed the real deal – an Italian amulet dating back to the Baroque period.

His mind wandered to the piece of paper which had been burning a hole in his pocket for the last couple of days. For the past two nights, he'd returned the tiny little note with the name and phone number to his dresser when he'd emptied his pockets and for the third day running, he found it had mysteriously resurfaced in his pant pocket; damn Sara Ellis and her persistence. He pulled out the tiny piece of paper, which was looking worse for wear from excessive handling, and he glared down at it with a deep frown. It had become the symbol of unwanted change in his perfect little life, heralding an alteration to his anatomy that he had no interest in pursuing.

As impulsive as he was in most things, Neal's typical urge to act without proper deliberation had thus far not extended to grabbing the phone and making an appointment for a consultation. He had to concede, however, that the time had come to take that first critical step in the eventual mutation of his beloved junk. In an effort to persuade him to make the call, Sara had hinted that she might completely close up shop in the boudoir until he finally made that first move. Whether or not it was an idle threat was up for debate – Neal hadn't thoroughly tested the waters – but he and his wife hadn't been intimate since the week before and he was starting to get that familiar itch that required seeing to on a regular basis. From past experience he knew he could only hang on for so long before he became rather fixated on having his way with his wife; twelve years of communal life had led to the establishment of certain habits – some more enjoyable than others – and a week was the longest he ever wanted to go without a little action between the sheets.

He took a deep breath before setting the report aside and reaching for the phone. Thirty seconds later, he had an appointment for a consult with Dr. Snip-snip and incredibly, it was in less than forty eight hours. Although he had rather hoped he'd be feeling relief at finally having taken the plunge, quite the opposite was true and by lunchtime, Neal had become totally obsessed with the upcoming appointment. He put in a call to Peter, begging him to meet for lunch at a place they frequented regularly called, ironically, the Kirkwood Arms which was located almost exactly halfway between the Federal Building and the offices of Finch and Johns.

'This better be good, Neal' Peter said in greeting as he slipped into the booth across from the ex-conman.

Neal glanced nervously from the menu he was holding in his shaking hands to his best friend's face and Peter realized he'd been a bit insensitive; Neal looked as if he'd seen a ghost.

'What's wrong?' he asked, his voice suddenly serious.

'I did it!' Neal declared as if his impending vasectomy was the one and only thing on Peter Burke's mind.

'You did _what_?' Peter asked, suddenly worried Neal might have gotten himself into some kind of trouble.

'I called and made an appointment for a consultation with the... you know...' Neal whispered, sounding like a self-centered five year old as he brought his fingers together in a snipping motion.

'You pulled me out of a meeting with the FDA to tell me you called and made an appointment with the urologist?' Peter asked in disbelief.

Neal shrugged guiltily; even for him, he had to admit this was a little over the top.

'Neal, you need to grow a pair...' Peter said before giggling at what he'd just said.

'Very funny, Peter. I see you're enjoying having fun at my expense' Neal said with exaggerated annoyance. 'I can see I don't have the support I was hoping to get from my _best friend_.'

'Awww, come on, Neal, you have to admit that was funny!' Peter said, trying to placate his friend.

Neal rolled his eyes; he didn't have to admit _any_ such thing. Just thinking about... about his precious family jewels being... ugh, he couldn't even go there.

'Every time I think about them cutting into...' Neal began as he shivered.

'Neal, grow up! You're 49 years old – you've been shot at, kidnapped, drugged, you've base jumped off buildings... and now you're trying to tell me that you can't face a little discomfort to keep peace in your marriage?'

Neal frowned at his best friend; he was making the whole thing sound so silly and petty and yet...

'Well, I'd like to see how you'd handle it if it was _you_ ' Neal barked as the waitress appeared, ready to take their order.

She was picking up a weird vibe and she looked from one man to the other expectantly.

'Do you need a few minutes?' she asked as Peter handed her back the menu.

'I'll have the _sausages_ with mashed' Peter said with a barely disguised look of mischief on his face. 'With _ketchup_ , please.'

Neal rolled his eyes a second time; he would have gotten more empathy if he'd asked a total stranger out to lunch. He pointed to an avocado salad on the menu and returned his annoyed gaze to Peter.

'Sausages? Really, Peter. We've sunk that low? You're choosing something off the menu just to poke fun at me' Neal said with a long suffering sigh – the things he had to put up with.

'No! The bangers and mash are the best thing _on_ the menu' Peter lied. Truth was he wasn't that big on sausages but ordering them had been worth it to see the look of exasperation on Neal's face.

'Alright, alright' Peter finally said, figuring that was enough teasing for the time being. 'So when is D-day anyway?'

'It's just a consultation... but it's Friday' Neal said, wringing his hands.

Peter watched with sympathy as Neal's face lit up.

'Hey, you don't want to come along, do you? For moral support?' Neal asked, realizing how inappropriate his request was.

Peter scoffed. 'You want _me_ to go with you on a consult... for a vasectomy?' Peter asked, incredulous.

'I guess not...' Neal admitted. 'Anyway, Sara will probably insist on coming along.'

'As well she should, Neal. She's your _wife_ ' Peter rationalized.

Neal nodded half-heartedly. 'It's just... well, it's bad enough to have to go through with this, I don't want Sara to know I'm freaking out...'

WCWCWC

'Neal is definitely freaking out' Sara said as she sat across from Elizabeth Burke a few blocks away.

'Men!' El responded, not very sympathetically.

'I really didn't think this would turn out to be such a big deal' Sara said as she picked at her salad.

'You know Jason Peters had one last year' El said, referring to a colleague from Peter's office they both knew.

'Oh yeah?' Sara said, thinking of the thirty something man. 'Isn't he single?'

'Yeah, but he's got a steady girlfriend and they decided they didn't want kids' El said in a gossipy tone of voice.

'Maybe he could talk to Neal about it?' Sara suggested.

'Really? You think two men are going to share stories about having their testicles cut open?' El said as she rolled her eyes. 'Anyway, Peter said he moaned about it for two weeks before the procedure and then he complained for weeks about the pain and discomfort... not sure that would put Neal's mind at ease.'

'The other night...' Sara said, her voice quiet '...I caught him looking at a video of the procedure on line. And when I tried coming on to him when we finally got into bed, he just curled up into a little ball and went to sleep! I think I even heard him moaning – although he tried to cover it up.'

'What is it with guys and their junk?' El agreed. 'If they had to deal with _half_ the stuff women have to deal with... we'd never hear the end of it.'

'Yeah, well, they're delicate creatures...' Sara agreed.

WCWCWC

'So, that's a _definite_ no, then?' Neal asked, returning to his earlier suggestion.

'NO, Neal. I'm not going into a doctor's office with you to discuss having your testicles... whatever they _do_ to your testicles.' Peter said a little too loudly.

'Well, actually' Neal began, his hand unconsciously going to his groin. 'They make a couple of small openings in your scrotum and cauterize the two vas deferens.'

Peter looked at Neal as if he was from another planet, his eyes narrowing and his head shaking.

'How do you even... Oh, never mind!' he said dismissively. 'Just cowboy up, Neal. It'll be over in minutes and then, you can get on with the rest of your life.'

Neal poked listlessly at a cherry tomato in his salad and gave up, putting his fork down as Peter dug into his sausages with gusto.

'I'm _nuts_ about theses sausages!' Peter said, with a wink.

WCWCWC

Dr. David Kirkwood's practice was located in a high rise building on the Upper West Side of Manhattan and by the looks of things, the man had chosen a very lucrative field to specialize in. The waiting room was lavish, with leather chairs and high end art Neal couldn't help but admire – although, on this day, his mind wasn't totally focussed on the opulent setting.

He sat along with other 'condemned' men and a surprising number of women, waiting to see the doctor for a consult. He knew the appointment would only serve to escalate the feeling of doom which had invaded him; there was nothing the doctor could _possibly_ say that would make him feel any better.

Sara sat next to him, looking perfectly beautiful, her long legs crossed, revealing part of her thigh and from his vantage point, Neal noticed her cleavage peeking out ever so tastefully from the gorgeous coral dress she was wearing. He shook his head, snapping out of the lustful musings which had begun to dominate his thoughts over the last few days as he refrained from acting on his urges. Sara looked up from the Vanity Fair – the current edition, no dog-eared magazines here – and smiled wanly at her husband. She hoped the visit would enable him to finally relax; he'd been acting like a scared puppy ever since she'd first uttered the word 'vasectomy' and she was looking forward to getting their lives back to some sort of equilibrium.

'You okay?' she asked for the second time as Neal smiled that nervous smile of his.

'Mr. Weston!' the receptionist called out as the man next to Neal stood and apprehensively made his way to follow her into the back room.

Neal swallowed and let his eyes dart at the faces in the room; all of them with that same deer in the headlights look he could only imagine was gracing his face.

'You sure you don't want me to go in with you?' Sara asked again.

Neal shook his head; it was bad enough she'd insisted on coming along, he didn't want her to see his face when the doctor explained in great detail what he was going to do to him.

'Mr. Caffrey!' the woman at the desk called out and Neal gave his wife a last glance and forced smile as he followed the woman into the suite's back rooms.

If the waiting room was opulent, the offices and examination rooms were even more so. He could see dark wood frames on each of the doors, the hardwood floors gleaming and he winced as he walked past one of the rooms, noting a pewter plate above the door which read in big bold letters: 'The Nutcracker Suite'.

The woman noticed the look of consternation on his face and laughed softly. 'Dr. Kirkwood has a unique sense of humor' she admitted as she finally stopped in front of one of the doors, inviting Neal to step in.

'Dr. Kirkwood will be right in' she said. 'Have a seat.'

The room was an unusual combination of office and examination room with a large oak desk dominating the space surrounded by shelves with medical books and photographs lining the walls. Off to a corner of the room was an examination table which seemed out of place in such a beautiful setting. Neal glanced around, noticing a small Pollock on the far wall and he'd just stood to better examine it when the door opened to reveal a forty something man wearing a lab coat.

'Mr. Caffrey' said the man who looked fit and tanned. 'I'm Dr. Kirkwood. Please take a seat.'

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

'Is your husband here for the procedure?' the woman asked cryptically.

'A consult' Sara responded with a polite smile.

The woman nodded and smiled back but Sara could sense she was in a sharing mood. She set down her magazine and looked at the young woman who appeared to be not much more than thirty years old – although those bags under her eyes hinted at a very busy life, without much sleep.

'This is his second try' she continued, lowering her voice. 'He ran out of here crying like a little girl the last time' she confided.

'The _last_ time?' Sara asked.

'Yeah, he had it all set up and when the time came for him to lay on the table, he totally lost it and he came running out here with his pants still around his knees' she explained.

'Oh!' Sara said, the most neutral thing she could think of saying in response to such a confession.

'This is payback time' the young woman exclaimed as a couple of anxious looking men glared at her. 'I had _six_ of his babies...the last two are twin boys and I got pregnant while my husband was wearing a condom. The guy's got supersperm and there's no way he's laying a finger on me until he goes through with it!'

Sara nodded in sympathy – six kids!

'But this time, I made him take one of my Valiums before leaving the house and he sang all the way here' the woman added with a laugh. 'Men!'

Sara couldn't help but snort in response. Men and their junk, indeed! She knew Neal was anxious but she also knew he had his pride; he would find a way to go through with it although he'd probably milk it for all it was worth. She glanced up, spotting him standing at the receptionist's desk, talking to the one of the staff.

She made her way over, Neal's voice a murmur as she got closer and she heard the woman say: 'Alright, Mr. Caffrey. We'll see you at 2:00 next Friday.'

Neal turned to leave, a pamphlet rolled up tightly in his fist and he signaled to Sara it was time to go. The place was giving him the heebie jeebies and he couldn't get out of there fast enough.

WCWCWC

'Oh no!' Sara said as she sat next to her husband in the car, scrolling through her phone. 'Next Friday is Hope's appointment with Dr. Cooper.'

Neal exhaled; maybe he wouldn't have to go through with it after all – NOT!

'Don't worry about it' he said, somewhat relieved. 'I'll see if Peter can drop me off.'

'Neal, it says here you should have someone there to drive you home. You'll probably be on heavy painkillers' Sara said as she glanced at the pamphlet he'd been given.

Great! Another tidbit of information he really could have done without.

'Oh, wait' she continued. 'Hope's appointment is at 1:30. I can be back in plenty of time to pick you up and bring you home.'

'Sara, I'm sure Peter doesn't mind...'

'Neal! I'm not sending you in to be snipped and not _be_ there for you' she countered in what she hoped sounded like a supportive tone of voice, although part of her wanted to make sure he didn't come running out of the room like a two year old before the deed was done.

She heard Neal let out a long slow breath and she reached out to touch his thigh. 'Honey, it's going to be fine, I promise' she said.

WCWCWC

'Mom, is it going to hurt?' Hope asked as she sat in bed reading.

'Well, I won't lie to you, honey. It's _not_ very pleasant... but it's part of being a woman' Sara explained.

Hope had started her period almost a year before and in less than twenty four hours, she'd be having her very first gynecological examination. She'd been apprehensive about it, understandably so, and Sara had been doing her best to reassure her daughter as the long-planned appointment loomed.

'Do I have to get... undressed?' Hope asked.

'Sweetie, the doctor has to make sure everything looks okay. You need to take off your panties and lie on your back on a special table and she'll... well, she'll poke around a little and she'll probably suggest something you can take for those cramps you've been getting' Sara said reassuringly.

'Why do women have to go through this?' asked the budding feminist. 'Men don't have to suffer every month like we do. It isn't fair!'

'That's true, honey' Sara said as she thought of Neal who'd be going under the knife. 'But we get the joy of giving birth to babies. Daddies only get to watch.'

Hope scrunched up her face at what her mom had just said. 'Mom, did you just seriously say, 'joy'?' she said, deadpan.

'Alright, alright' Sara admitted. 'It hurts like hell... but then, they put the little baby in your arms and you forget all about it.'

Hope was still eons away from even thinking about having babies and she shrugged in response, not totally satisfied with the explanation.

'Try to get some sleep, honey' Sara said as she brushed a tendril of Hope's unruly hair out of her face. 'It'll all be over by tomorrow.'

'Goodnight Mom' Hope said as she reached over to turn off the bedside lamp.

Sara kissed her daughter goodnight; where had the years gone? It seemed like just yesterday, she'd been a newborn lying in her arms and now she was a young woman, embracing a female rite of passage.

She thought about her other patient – the six foot one with a lethal fear of sharp objects directed at his man parts and she made her way to their bedroom, finding Neal scrutinizing the instructions he'd been given for his procedure the next day. He seemed immersed in what he was reading and didn't even look up when Sara came in and sat next to him on the bed.

'So... D-Day tomorrow or should I say V-Day?' she added with a small laugh.

Neal raised his eyes from the pamphlet he was reading, glaring at his wife with an exasperated look, his eyes narrowing at the realization that she deigned to joke about his impending ordeal..

'You're really enjoying this, aren't you?' he asked with annoyance.

She slipped her arm under his and lay her head on his shoulder. 'No!' she said with a grin. 'It's just... there are so many jokes I'm holding back...'

'Don't worry, I've heard them all this week' Neal lamented. 'Between Peter and some of the guys at work... Jones even sent over a pound of walnuts and a nutcracker!'

Sara laughed heartily as Neal scowled. He might see the humor in this later... _much_ later. He reached over to pull open the drawer of the bedside table and pulled out what looked like a t-shirt, folded up into a small tidy square.

'Far be it from me to give you any more ammunition...' Neal said with a faint smile. '...but Elizabeth had this delivered to my office this afternoon.'

He opened up the t-shirt which had the picture of a gun and the following tag line: 'I shoot blanks!'

Sara laughed heartily. 'Oh, honey! It's going to be fine, I promise! As a matter of fact, I have a little surprise for you.'

Neal's eyes narrowed as he watched Sara get out of bed and head towards the bedroom door.

'You just get comfortable and I'll be right back' she cooed as Neal looked her up and down with a quizzical look in his eyes.

He lay there, waiting, trying to keep his mind on anything _but_ the procedure he was about to undergo. In an effort to relax, he imagined himself sitting in the backyard, listening to the birds chirping as an unbidden image of a squirrel carting around nuts came to mind. He shook off the image. Ever since he'd decided to have the vasectomy, he seemed totally fixated on his nether regions - and not for the right reasons either. Beyond the apprehension about the actual procedure, he worried about how this might affect his love life which was perfectly wonderful as it was, thank you very much - although worry free sex for the rest of his natural life had its benefits, without a doubt.

His musings were interrupted by Sara who returned, standing in the doorway to their room, her arm suggestively up against the door jamb, wearing nothing but a leather bustier and a matching garter belt. On her head sat a white nurse's cap and she was carrying a small tray, the contents of which he couldn't see from his vantage point.

'Mr. Caffrey' she said in a sultry voice, a southern accent apparent. 'I'm here to prepare you for your procedure.'

Neal laughed at the bad accent and watched with amusement as she sashayed over to him, sitting on the edge of the bed as he scooted over to make room for her. He'd seen her in this getup a couple of times over the past few years – she kept it for _very_ special occasions and his mood suddenly changed from just plain anxious to... anxious to get his hands all over her. She crossed her legs and leaned down, her breasts spilling out of the tight bustier and that's when he noticed what was on the tray she was carrying: a bowl of water, a facecloth, shaving cream and a very sharp looking disposable razor. Talk about a buzzkill!

'No!' he exclaimed as his eyes fixated on the razor. 'You are not...'

'Now, Mr. Caffrey' she warned, her voice sexy as she set down the tray.

She leaned in and whispered breathlessly in his ear as her hand dropped lovingly to his groin. 'C'mon baby. You've trusted me with your family jewels all these years...'

Neal laughed, finally relaxing as Sara leaned down to kiss him, making him squirm despite himself.

'I _promise_ this won't hurt a _bit_ ' she murmured as she lovingly began to wash Neal's nether regions, moving on to the shaving cream as she crawled down on all fours between his legs, armed with a disposable razor. It was a jarring sight – the juxtaposition of his loving, sexy wife looming over him so provocatively yet armed with an object that had the potential of turning him into a soprano.

Normally, the sight of any sharp object anywhere near his junk would be enough to make him run for the hills but Neal closed his eyes, trying to relax as she went to work on shaving him, a lot more fun that he'd imagined when he'd read the instructions to do so in the little pamphlet that now lay discarded, on the floor by the bed.

Nurse Sara worked diligently and cautiously, whispering sweet nothings as Neal began to react to her ministrations despite his resolve not to. There was something about Sara's voice when it got all soft and gooey that did things to him, no matter where they were or what they were doing and - astonishingly, his predictable reaction to her dulcet tones seemed to extend to situations where a sharp razor was in the vicinity of his sensitive genitalia.

She finished shaving him and gently washed him, taking her time and letting her hands wander to other parts of his anatomy – triggering enjoyable sensations which made Neal's toes inadvertently curl under the sheets. She expertly tidied everything up on the tray and carried it over to the dresser before moving provocatively back to the bed where she loomed over Neal, her breasts barely contained by the tight bustier. She straddled him, settling on his hips as she ran her hands suggestively up to her breasts, watching as his eyes grew dark at the sight. Leave it to Sara Ellis to take a tedious – and unnerving – job like shaving his scrotum and turn it into such an enjoyable experience.

'Thank you, nurse' Neal said, his voice rough as he brought his hands up to her thighs, rubbing salaciously as his hands reached for her naked hips.

'Do I get a... _tip_ ' she asked suggestively as he grinned at her cleverness.

'You just might...' he whispered lewdly as he began to squirm, his hands moving up to cup her breasts.

'Well, Mr. Caffrey' she moaned as she began to writhe against him. 'The _ball_ is definitely in your court.'

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

**Chapter 7**

Neal rolled off his wife and fell, delightfully exhausted, on the pillow next to her.

'Thanks' he uttered breathlessly as he reached down to remove the condom and dispose of it. 'I really needed that.'

Sara burrowed her face into his neck, totally relaxed. 'You're welcome' she murmured, already half asleep. 'You can look forward to a _lot_ more of that when this is all over – minus the rubber.'

Neal grinned as his fears and apprehensions about his impending ordeal momentarily vanished and he placed a tender kiss on his wife's forehead, grateful for her love and support.

He took a long, cleansing breath and settled in for a good night's sleep.

WCWCWC

 _There he was again, that odd little rabbit with the pocket watch. Neal had been watching him dart in and out of the infinite number of doors which lined the long, seemingly endless corridor. This time, the strange creature reappeared behind him and spoke directly into Neal's ear, prodding him along, his voice high pitched._

' _You're late, you're late!' he shrieked, nudging Neal along the narrow hallway until they'd arrived in front of a door with a large wooden sign that hung crookedly and read 'Balls are Us'._

 _The rabbit reached for his monocle, studying the door carefully before finally flinging it open in dramatic fashion and shoving Neal inside the room which was cloaked in a thick, soupy fog. By the time Neal turned around to look at him again, he'd vanished from sight and the door had mysteriously closed behind him. He glanced around the space, barely able to make anything out in the hazy mist. He took a few tentative steps before practically stumbling onto a child sized table complete with miniature chairs and two hapless men who sat, sipping on ridiculously large cups at a table laden with miniature cakes and the largest teapot Neal had ever laid eyes on. Out of the haze, appeared a young girl, standing directly in front of Neal with an expectant look on her face. Her long blond locks covered her shoulders and she wore a pale blue dress, covered with a white apron and black Mary-Janes on her feet that made a clicking sound on the hardwood floor. Her eyes brightened at the sight of Neal, as if she'd been expecting him._

' _You're here!' she exclaimed breathlessly, her voice child-like, as she escorted Neal to one of the small chairs at the table._

 _He attempted to respond but his voice was nowhere to be found and he listlessly let himself fall on the child sized chair, afraid for a moment that the small seat would not support the weight of his adult sized body. Before he could utter a sound, the child grabbed the enormous teapot sitting in the middle of the table and poured a huge cupful, handing it to Neal._

' _Here, have some tea' she said. 'It'll make everything better.'_

 _Neal stared back, glued to the chair, hypnotized by the sight of the young girl as she fluttered around the room, humming as if she hadn't a care in the world. He'd barely had time to get his bearings when he heard a door opening in the distance, the dense fog making it impossible to identify the new arrival, until, out of the mist, appeared a large figure looming over him with the most incongruous voice Neal had ever heard._

' _Ah, there you are!' the character said, his voice high pitched and breaking as if he were a boy transitioning to manhood. For a moment, Neal wondered if this creature was a man, a child or a beast. He wore the biggest, tallest hat Neal had ever seen and his suit was bright red to match his face – which looked like he was on the verge of having a coronary. Something about him felt vaguely familiar although Neal could not, for the life of him, put a finger on it; instead he just stared ahead, totally ineffectual, as the high strung character bustled around him, arms agitated._

' _It's time to go, it's time to go' he repeated as he fussed around Neal, urging him to stand and follow him away from the impromptu tea party. They had barely taken two steps when they found themselves standing by a large comfy leather chair, much like Neal's favorite chair at home, complete with a matching ottoman._

' _Sit, sit' urged the strange creature with the humongous hat. 'She's coming!'_

 _Neal did as he was told, instantly melting into the comfortable chair, waiting for 'her' to arrive, whoever 'she' was. He had just begun to settle in when the crazy boy/man reappeared, this time wielding an obscenely large medieval battle axe with a wooden handle, the sight of which caused Neal's heart to flutter and start to pound uncontrollably. Despite the terror that gripped him, the rest of Neal's body remained paralyzed, unable to respond to what was obviously an imminent threat to his wellbeing. His eyes bulged, his breathing quickened and he thought for a moment, he might die of fright._

' _This won't hurt a bit' the strange man reassured him with his voice cracking._

 _Neal could hear a voice in the background, a woman's piercing voice booming over the mist._ _ **'Off with his balls!'**_

WCWCWC

'Neal, Neal! Honey, wake up!' he heard as he slowly came to and Sara's face came into view, her hand resting on his pounding chest.

Neal was panting loudly, unable to catch his breath as the dream slowly began to fade from his psyche.

'It's okay, honey. It was just a dream' Sara's loving voice added as he blinked, unable to shake the terror he'd just been experiencing.

'They were gonna...chop off my balls with an... an axe' he said, his voice faltering.

'Who was going chop off your balls with an axe?' Sara asked, trying desperately to calm her frantic husband.

'The guy with the...' Neal began as he started to realize it had all been a strange dream.

'Sweetie, it's okay. No one's going to chop off your balls' Sara said reassuringly as she attempted to bring Neal back from the nightmare.

'Right...right...' Neal said breathlessly, not terribly convinced the dream hadn't been real.

'Come here' Sara said as she opened her arms to comfort him, cradling him against her chest like a scared little boy. Neal melted into her body, arms reaching out to make sure she was real and trying desperately to ground himself in reality, safe from harm.

'Breathe, Neal' Sara said as he continued to hyperventilate. She gently ran her hand through his hair as he slowly regained normal breathing, his eyes wide open as he took in the familiar surroundings of his bedroom in White Plains, New York, far away from the strange world he'd just left behind.

WCWCWC

'Why don't you take that sedative they gave you?' Peter asked as he sat next to a fidgety Neal in the waiting room.

'I'm fine' Neal muttered unconvincingly for the third time.

Anybody who knew Neal Caffrey and his usually relaxed, cocky manner could tell he was anything _but_ fine and Peter felt compelled to state the obvious.

'Well, you don't _look_ fine' he commented as he took in Neal's face, as white as a sheet.

'Well... I will be' Neal countered as he looked around the room at the other men who all had that same look of fear and apprehension on their faces.

He glanced over at Peter, looking so relaxed as he sat there reading the newest edition of Vanity Fair; it was easy for _him_ to be calm. Peter piped up, pointing to something on the page in the magazine in front of him.

'El's been bugging me to take her to this' he said as Neal glanced down at the ad for the newest Broadway musical, a remake of _Alice in Wonderland_.

His heart stopped and his eyes widened as his dream came flooding back in an instant and he stood, straight as a rod with a look of sheer terror on his pale face.

'I'll be right back' he managed to blurt out as he bolted from the waiting room.

Peter watched with concern as his buddy exited; he probably just needed a few minutes alone to collect himself before the procedure. His eyes met those of the man who'd been sitting on the other side of Neal, a sympathetic smile on his face.

'Is your husband having prostate problems?' the man asked of Peter.

'Oh... he's not my...' Peter began, stuttering.

'I get it' the man continued without waiting for Peter to finish. 'My Jake is in there right now – the doctor said a vasectomy was the best solution for his enlarged prostate.'

Peter stared, unable to say much in response.

'You'll see. Your husband will be fine' the man added reassuringly as Peter smiled benignly.

Neal still hadn't returned and Peter glanced at his watch, noting it was five minutes to two o'clock – the bewitching hour – and still no sign of Neal. He stood, setting down his magazine and stepped out of the door he'd seen Neal walk through moments before. He glanced down the hall – no sign of Neal – and he headed over to the nearby men's room, stepping in and closing the door gingerly behind him.

'Neal?' he whispered quietly. 'Are you in here?'

There was no one at the urinals but one of the stalls seemed occupied and Peter stepped closer, listening discretely for any sign Neal might be in there, cowering.

'Neal?' he repeated as he picked up on the sound of heavy breathing coming from behind the door.

He was reasonably sure that was the sound of his best friend hyper-ventilating and he stepped into the next stall and climbed onto the toilet to glance over the privacy wall.

'Neal!' he said as he spotted his friend curled up in a little ball in the corner of the stall. 'What the hell are you doing?'

Neal's gaze moved up to meet Peter's and the older man could see the terror in his best friend's eyes, noting his breathing was irregular, his body obviously wracked with anguish.

'Open that door!' he commanded in that 'Agent Burke' voice Neal recognized from years of having Peter barking orders at him. It seemed to have the desired effect and Neal reached over and unlatched the door as Peter appeared in front of him, squatting down to meet his ex-partner's eyes.

'What the hell's going on? Your appointment is in two minutes' Peter reminded him.

'I can't... I can't...' Neal kept repeating, his voice breathless.

'Neal! Do you really want to have to explain to Sara why you ran away like a scared little puppy?' Peter asked, his voice growing louder.

His question seemed to hit a nerve and Neal let out a small yelp and stood, possibly more terrified of his wife's reaction to him being a whimp than of the actual procedure itself.

He gave Peter a small head shake.

'Where's that pill the doctor prescribed?' Peter asked in take-charge mode as Neal reached into his pocket, hands shaking.

'Take it! Now!' Peter ordered as Neal popped it in his mouth.

'Now, look at me. This will all be over in half an hour. I need you to cowboy up. Is that clear?' Peter asked, leaving no room for doubt.

Neal nodded and took a deep breath. He walked over to the nearby sink and threw some cold water on his face, looking at himself in the mirror as if for the last time.

'Enough with the drama, Neal' Peter said as he watched his vain friend stare at his reflection. 'They're not giving you a nose job.'

Neal couldn't help but let out a small helpless laugh at Peter's last comment and he turned to follow his best friend back into the nearby waiting room.

WCWCWC

'Are you okay?' Sara asked as she reached out to touch her daughter's hand.

They waited side by side in Dr. Cooper's office for her to return and have a chat with them following the examination she'd just carried out on the teen.

'You should have told me' Hope said, angrily. 'That was _horrible_!'

Sara ran her hand up and down her arm; it was true that gynecological exams were no fun. Maybe she shouldn't have downplayed it quite as much; after all, Hope was no fool.

The door to the office opened and Dr. Cooper appeared, looking her usual composed self. She made her way to the chair behind her desk, lightly touching Hope's shoulder as she walked by.

'You did great, Hope' she said as she smiled at the young woman.

Hope shrugged and gave a polite smile. 'Piece of cake' she lied.

WCWCWC

Neal's eyes darted around the room as he regained his dignity following his meltdown. He was breathing deeply, trying to keep his wits about him and he could feel his body start to react to the sedative which was thankfully doing its job. He could feel the man to his right staring at him incessantly and Neal smiled back politely as the other man spoke.

'Try to be brave. Your husband will be there for you when you come out' the man said unexpectedly as Neal frowned for a moment before realizing what was going on.

The sight of two men wearing wedding bands and sitting side by side in a doctor's office might, understandably, project a certain image and despite his anxious state, Neal had the presence of mind to respond as he reached out to touch Peter's hand.

'He always is' he said softly, delighting at the thought of embarrassing his best friend.

TBC


	8. Chapter 8

**Chapter 8**

'NEAL CAFFREY!' the voice rang out in the waiting room as every other man let out a collective sigh of relief at the reprieve. Neal harkened back to every single time he'd heard his name called out when he really wished he hadn't; when his mom, voice clouded by booze or drugs, yelled at him for some perceived slight...when the teacher called on him when he hadn't been paying attention...when the judge ordered him to stand at his trial... when Sara lost patience with him and reverted to using his full name.

Despite the rubbery feeling in his legs, Neal managed to stand and, with one last pleading look towards Peter, he took the first tentative step towards the woman who had dared utter his name. The mild sedative had been just enough to take the edge off and keep him from running out of the room like a terrified toddler but his mind was still in overdrive mulling over all those pesky questions that had been running around his muddled brain incessantly - like an overactive gerbil in its cage. Would he be just as much of a man when he came back out? Would his voice become higher pitched? Would Sara find him as desirable? Would he be able to get as turned on? Would he still be able to shoot with virility? Would it hurt when he...choked the chicken?

'I'm Alice' said the woman as Neal's eyes widened in response to her name. She smiled a comforting smile and Neal's legs kept moving forward although they didn't totally feel under his control. He followed her as they moved closer to the room with the foreboding plaque on its door and finally, they stood directly in front of the large oak door as she placed her hand on the door knob.

This was it.

If there was ever a time to bolt, this was it and yet, somehow, Neal's legs just kept on walking, right through the oversized wooden door frame as the large room came into view.

To say that Dr. Kirkwood had a wicked sense of humor was an understatement. His name, let alone the shiny hardwood floor and oak panels surrounding the room, summoned images of comforting morning wood, something Neal feared might be lost to him forever. Without the shadow of a doubt, the theme of the room was balls, balls and more balls – of all shapes and sizes.

Along the wall, against the long window ledge, stood a good dozen basketballs in little stands, reminiscent of those Neal had always admired in Harvey Specter's office on that show he liked. The one ball which dominated the others looked like it had been signed by Michael Jordan himself and Neal wondered if the man had once lay on the very table he was about to climb onto. A small desk held a large bowl of golf balls in all colors imaginable and there was a display of baseballs which looked almost as impressive as the one he'd once seen at Yankee Stadium. He instinctively turned to run back out to the waiting room to get Peter – he would get a real kick out of this – but Alice had her hand on his arm and was talking to him, softly, almost hypnotically.

'I need you to take everything off from the waist down' she was saying as Neal's eyes moved away from the collection of balls and back to her pretty face. 'Just put everything over here and then climb onto the table. Dr. Kirkwood will be right in.'

Neal watched as she turned to leave and despite her explicit instructions, he walked over to the window to get a better look. Yup, that was an original Michael Jordan autograph, he thought as his mind wandered. He snapped back, suddenly remembering why he was really there and he made his way to the table, kicking off his shoes and removing his socks. His hand went to his belt buckle and he felt a shiver as he started to remove his pants – the point of no return. Talk about feeling vulnerable; within seconds, he was standing there butt naked, his body now totally at the mercy of others.

The table itself looked ominous although underneath the thin sheet of paper was beautiful, rich maroon colored leather. It had ugly stainless steel appendages - stirrups sticking out which Neal could only imagine from what Sara had told him over the years, looked like every examination table in a OB/GYN's office. _Payback_ , he thought bitterly as he climbed up and tried to make himself comfortable. He grabbed for the thin paper sheet Alice had left for him and covered himself up, no protection whatsoever from what he was about to undergo. By his feet, he noticed a small tray covered with another sheet and in true Neal Caffrey style, he was about to lift the covering to see what was underneath when he heard the door knob rattle, forcing him to pull back.

'Mr. Caffrey!' he heard the jovial man call out - easy for him to be cheerful, considering his junk wasn't about to be manhandled and sliced open.

'Doctor' Neal answered, trying to sound confident and composed. He loved his voice as it was, the way he could make it fluctuate from soft and sexy to loud and commanding; he sure as hell didn't want to leave the room sounding like a twelve year old boy entering puberty.

Dr. Kirkwood, on the other hand, was way too cheery; humming a song that sounded strangely like 'Great Balls of Fire' and Neal frowned as the man spoke. 'Well, I think you made the right decision coming to me' he said, his voice authoritative. 'A neighbor of mine had his vasectomy done at Sears and now, every time he gets a hard-on, his garage door opens!'

Neal stared in disbelief as the man spoke – did he really just make a joke while his cool hands were already on Neal's trembling genitals? He could see Alice smirking – no doubt she'd heard the joke hundreds of times before.

Despite his annoyance, Neal let out a small, polite laugh – the last thing he wanted to do was to piss off the guy who was about to slice into him. Dr. Kirkwood guided Neal's feet into the cold, hard stirrups totally exposing his vulnerabilities as Neal tried hard to relax.

'So? What are you in the mood for?' the doctor asked, undeterred – after all, he had the big end of the stick... 'I like my patients to choose the music. I've got 'Wrecking Ball' by Miley Cyrus or how about some AC/DC 'Got You by the Balls'? he asked with a giggle.

'Whatever...' Neal muttered, trying to sound self-assured despite the fact he was feeling totally exposed and defenceless.

The doctor turned to Alice, speaking with a blustery voice. 'Let's go with AC/DC today, I'm feeling frisky' he said as Neal shuddered.

'Now, let's go over everything one last time' he continued as he took a seat on the small stool right between Neal's legs, his face practically up in his junk. 'Like I said, all we're doing is locking the door on your jizz and sending it back into your body to be re-absorbed. Everything else should be just as before - although I'm afraid I can't do anything about improving your technique!' he said with a laugh.

Neal giggled nervously; there was absolutely _nothing_ wrong with his technique, thank you very much.

'So, you'll be awake during the procedure' he continued as Brian Johnson's voice was heard singing in the background _'...she got you by the balls...'_

'Now, last chance to bail... this is a permanent procedure. Are you sure about this?' he asked, his eyes meeting Neal's.

This was his chance to cut bait and run if ever there was one but Neal heard his own, hesitant voice echo in the room. 'I'm good' he said, trying to sound self-possessed.

Suddenly Alice appeared in his field of vision holding a small tray with a pill and a Dixie cup of water.

'I suggest you take another Valium' Dr. Kirkwood said. 'We want you nice and mellow for this.'

Neal reached out for the pill and let it melt under his tongue as directed – the faster it started working its magic, the better as far as he was concerned. He could feel the doctor's gloved hands on his testicles, prodding and squeezing in a way he was most uncomfortable with.

'Nice job on the shaving' he commented as Neal smiled, thinking back to Sara's gentle hands on him the night before.

He could feel his penis being unceremoniously flopped back as Dr. Kirkwood zeroed in on his testicles, lifting them to examine underneath. His legs were feeling increasingly heavy and despite his efforts to concentrate, his mind seemed to be wandering to other unrelated topics - which was surprising, considering he'd spent the last week obsessed with thoughts of the impending procedure.

'A little prick...' the doctor mumbled as Neal's eyes shot open; he always thought of himself as above average in that department and he suddenly took offence at the doctor's comment.

'I mean... you're going to _feel_ a small prick' Dr. Kirkwood corrected as his hand appeared holding a large syringe.

Neal let out a silent gasp; his pride not allowing any noise to escape his pursed lips. The feeling of the sharp object entering the base of his testicles was more than disconcerting but he lay still, waiting for the unpleasant sensation to end. Whether or not it was his imagination, Neal began to feel himself relax as a warm, numbing sensation almost immediately permeated his scrotum.

'So, what do you do for a living, Mr. Caffrey?' the doctor asked as if they were sitting across from each other, enjoying a cup of coffee.

'I... I authenticate art and artifacts' Neal answered, feeling himself start to loosen up.

'Wow! Sounds like a very exciting job. How did you happen to fall into that line of work?' the doctor asked as he moved to the tray and grabbed what appeared to be a scalpel - at least from Neal's vantage point.

'Hum... it's... it's complicated' Neal answered. Having his junk in someone else's hands, no matter how competent, did not lend itself to launching into a long explanation of his pedigree, specifically how he'd evolved from being a master forger to an expert at art authentification.'

Neal could feel himself being poked. 'Can you feel that?' asked the doctor over the background music.

'A little' Neal answered – better safe than sorry. He'd read online about how some guy had given the doctor the green light to proceed but had felt the scalpel slicing into him.

'We'll give you another shot, just to be on the safe side' he said as Alice handed him another syringe, which looked even larger than the first. This time Neal didn't feel it as it was injected, surely a good sign and he felt himself relax a little as he giggled unexpectedly.

'Good stuff, huh?' Dr. Kirkwood commented as the Valium obviously kicked in.

'Yeah' Neal slurred, feeling the anxiety slowly melt away and his muscles relax.

'I'm just pulling out your vas deferens' the doctor explained as Neal began to drift away.

The unexpected and normally disconcerting words just floated over Neal as he lay there, surprisingly unperturbed.

'You might feel a hot nauseating sensation' he continued as Neal heard an amusing snipping sound.

'Snip!' Neal murmured with a goofy smile as Alice looked on. The smell of cooking flesh wafted through the air as the cauterization was carried out and Neal let out an inappropriate giggle. 'I guess it makes a 'vas deferens' whether you get this done or not, right?' Neal added cleverly, suddenly feeling more talkative.

The doctor and his nurse exchanged amused looks at Neal's unexpected play on words; Dr. Kirkwood hadn't taken him for the witty type considering how tense he'd looked when they'd first walked in.

'One down and one to go' the doctor said as Alice patted his arm. 'You're doing great' she said – she had no idea just how _great_ Neal was doing.

Neal drifted in and out as he let the music wash over him. He could feel the doctor's hands moving on his nether regions but he couldn't be bothered to care as he let himself be lulled by the excellent drugs. Another sizzling sound was heard in the quiet room as Neal began to sing along to the music and Alice gave the doctor a perplexed look.

'There, we're done!' Dr. Kirkwood declared as he looked away from Neal's genitals and back up to his face.

'Alice will get you all packed up and ready to go. Do you have someone who can take you home?' he asked as he stood.

Neal looked up goofily as he tried to fight the haze in his brain. 'My wife...' he finally said dreamily.

'Alice, you might want to ask Mrs. Caffrey to come in while you go over the post-op instructions' he counselled, taking in Neal's more than relaxed state. 'Good luck, Mr. Caffrey' he added as he prepared to leave.

Neal smiled goofily at Alice's kind face. 'Are you going to give me a cup of tea?' he asked out of the blue as she frowned.

'Hum, did you _need_ a cup of tea?' she asked in response to the strange request.

'Inside joke' Neal slurred as he tapped his temple.

Within seconds, Alice returned carrying a jockstrap in her hands as she positioned herself between Neal's legs where Dr. Kirkwood had been moments before. Having a pretty young woman staring at his genitals suddenly felt strange and Neal began to squirm on the table.

'I'm just going to put some gauze around the area and put on this jockstrap so that you don't jostle too much on the way home. You might want to ask your wife to duck any potholes.'

Neal smiled as he thought of Sara's poor driving skills – he avoided getting in the car whenever she was in the driver's seat, although even _he_ could see that, on this particular occasion, he was in no fit state to drive himself home.

'You have a... very gentle touch...' he found himself saying, unaware of his inappropriate comment as the young woman blushed.

His legs were finally removed from the stirrups and he was invited to lie still for a moment while Alice went out to the waiting room to get Sara.

His last thought as he drifted off was how silly he'd been; this vasectomy thing was a piece of cake.

TBC


	9. Chapter 9

**Chapter 9**

'He did _what_?' Sara said loudly as she and Peter stood, right outside the clinic's waiting room.

'It was nothing, Sara' Peter said, backtracking. He should never have told her Neal had been feeling anxious enough to hole up in the men's washroom before finally going in for his procedure. He'd wanted to make sure Sara knew he'd had some Valium so she could prepare herself for 'loopy' Neal – a spectacle they'd both been privy to on a few occasions in the past.

Sara's reaction was over the top, something Peter should have anticipated; after all, he'd had enough dealings with Ms Ellis over the years to know she always reacted spontaneously and often without an appropriate filter. She seemed to recover, perhaps for Peter's sake and when next she spoke, her voice had grown quieter.

'Was he okay when he went in?' she asked, softening her stance.

'He was fine' Peter lied, anxious to get out of there and let Sara take over.

'Well, thanks for getting him here' she said as she prepared to return to the waiting room.

WCWCWC

Neal lay on the comfy table, humming as he looked around the room waiting for Alice to return with Sara. He realized he was lying there with a jockstrap and nothing else and, despite the nurse's orders to stay put, he decided it might be a good idea to slip into his underwear and pants before they returned. With some difficulty, he managed to swing his legs off the table and with one swift movement he attempted to stand as the room began to spin around him. The next thing he knew, he was lying on the ground in a pile, laughing out loud at his predicament, unable to get his overly relaxed body to cooperate. With effort, he crawled over to his pants and he was sitting there with one sock half-way on and his other leg in one of his pant legs when the door opened.

'Mr. Caffrey!' Alice said as she ran over to where he half-lay on the ground.

Neal looked up amused, seeing Sara come in behind Alice and giving her a decidedly crooked smile.

'Honey! You're here!' he exclaimed as Alice hurried over to help him sit up.

'I'm fine, I'm fine' he repeated, his voice slurred, as he slapped her hands away insistently.

From where the women stood, Neal was anything _but_ fine. He'd put his foot into the wrong pant leg and his sock lay limply off his foot while his hair hung in his eyes, totally mussed, making him look like a young child who had not yet mastered the art of dressing himself.

'Here, I'll do that' Sara said as she stepped forward to help Alice with her uncooperative patient.

'Why don't I go out and get your discharge papers and give you a minute' Alice agreed, glad for a chance to step out for a moment.

'Neal' Sara said condescendingly as if she were talking to a two year old. 'What are you _doing_ on the floor?'

He gave her a crooked smile, his eyes half-shut. 'I wanted to surprise you... and put my clothes on by myself' he muttered.

Sara couldn't suppress a laugh. 'Well... honey, you do that every day and ... I'll admit it's very impressive but...look, why don't you let me give you a hand.'

'O-kay' Neal agreed breathlessly as he let his head fall back.

'Are you in any pain, sweetie?' Sara asked, suddenly remembering the ordeal he'd just been through.

'Nnnno pain' Neal mumbled.

'Good. Here... put your foot in here' she said as she guided his leg. 'The other one, honey...'

Neal's eyes lit up suddenly as he looked at his wife. 'Now, we can have sex _all the time_!' he declared gleefully and a little too loudly.

'Well, let's give you a chance to recover first...' Sara said, guiding his leg into the correct pant leg.

'No, I'm fine. You want to do it... here?' he whispered as he leered at his wife.

'No, Neal. We're not doing it here' she answered patiently, putting a definitive end to the subject. 'Honey, didn't you tell them how sensitive you are to medication.'

'I tried' Neal slurred. 'But they _made_ me take it...twice!' he declared, like a child who'd been given something against his will.

'God, how much stuff did they give you?' Sara asked rhetorically as she carefully tucked him into his pants and zipped him up. 'Here, give me your arm.'

Neal looked at her goofily, seemingly forgetting what an arm was.

'Your _arm_ , Neal' Sara repeated as she forcibly took him by the arm and struggled to help him stand.

It took a couple of attempts but Neal finally stood, hanging onto the table to keep from falling over. With one arm around him, Sara guided him over to the desk, setting him down on one of the oversized chairs and hoping he wouldn't topple over.

'Balls... everywhere balls' Neal muttered as he grabbed for a couple of the golf balls on the table and threw one against the far wall with a loud giggle.

'Neal, stop it!' Sara whispered as she grabbed for his hand but not before he let another one fly through the room, hitting the baseball display and making it rattle.

She watched in horror as it almost toppled over and before she knew it, Neal had used his other hand and was armed once again.

'Neal!' she said louder. 'Look at me. We're in a doctor's office!'

'I _know_ where we are' Neal said with a loopy grin on his face. 'Did you change your mind... about making out?' he asked as he ran his other hand suggestively up her leg.

'Look at me!' Sara said, now losing patience with her husband. 'That's enough! I swear, you're worse than a two year old.'

'A two year old can't do this...' Neal sang naughtily as he let his hand linger up and playfully grab her ass.

The door opened and Neal sat up straight; even in his muddled mind, he knew better than to start pawing his wife when there was a spectator nearby.

'Alright' Alice said, all business, as she took a seat behind the desk and invited Sara to sit next to Neal on the comfortable leather chair.

'Just a few instructions' she began as she handed Sara a typewritten sheet. 'First off, when the freezing dissipates, Mr. Caffrey will have some pain. There'll probably be some swelling and a lot of men get bruising around the testicles. Ice helps and I suggest some painkillers though I can see he's quite sensitive to meds... you might try him on extra strength Tylenol every four hours but here's a prescription for something stronger if that's not enough. So, no strenuous activity for 48 hours, no lifting...'

Neal watched with interest as Alice's lips moved but, surprisingly, he wasn't understanding any of the words she was saying. His mind wandered and he thought about grabbing a few more golf balls and trying to hit that lamp in the far corner. He looked sideways at Sara, looking _so_ damn serious as her eyes remained glued to the nurse sitting across from her.

Sara... she was always so stern, he thought as he plotted some mischief he could get into while he waited for this boring lecture to be over. He was aware that Alice couldn't see what his hands were doing and he decided to have a little fun by moving his hand onto Sara's lap and trying to push it down between her legs. Sara let out a small gasp and Neal grinned impishly, satisfied at the mayhem he was causing. Her hand moved discretely to try to contain his but he was determined and he continued with his inappropriate movements, feeling very clever indeed as he grinned widely, his eyes returning to Alice's face. His attention moved to a small freckle on the tip of her nose and Neal began to study it carefully as his hand finally relaxed in Sara's. It was cute, right there on the end of her nose and Neal had a sudden and overwhelming urge to reach out and touch it as he continued to stare at Alice, watching as her mouth continued to move.

'...no shower for 24 hours and no bath for five days. He can eat normally and you can resume normal sexual activity in a couple of days if he's up to it...'

At the mention of sex, Neal gave a big smile. 'Oh, I'm up to it...' he said triumphantly, his voice slurred as Sara frowned at him.

'Sorry' Sara said as she returned her gaze to Alice. 'I really should have mentioned that he's _very_ sensitive to tranquilizers and pain killers' Sara said.

'Don't worry about it. Just give him a few hours and he'll be complaining about the pain' Alice said, although that didn't sound particularly reassuring.

'Nnno pain...' Neal muttered as Sara shot him a look of rebuke.

'Alright, well here are two containers' Alice continued as she held up a couple of plastic bottles. 'We need samples at six weeks and twelve weeks. All together, he needs 15 to 20 ejaculations to completely clear any semen from his system so make sure you use protection in the meantime.'

Sara nodded seriously as Neal giggled irrepressibly at the word 'ejaculation'. It really _was_ a very funny word.

'If you like...' Alice said, as she stood. '...I could ask one of our interns to help you get him to the car.'

'That would be great, thanks' Sara admitted. The thought of getting ultra-relaxed Neal to the car seemed like an overwhelming feat at the moment and she had a fleeting moment of regret for not asking Peter to wait around.

'Well, thank you for everything' Sara said as she stood and looked down at Neal, looking perfectly useless as he sat in the chair, practically slithering off and onto the ground.

The large man who helped Sara get Neal settled in the car practically had to carry him out of the building but not before Neal shared his words of wisdom with everyone in the waiting room.

'Get the drugs!' he yelled out as he was carried out followed by a very embarrassed looking Sara.

The drive home was an adventure as Sara tried to navigate late afternoon traffic in Manhattan with Neal's constant roaring in her ears. As always, he seemed to gravitate to show tunes whenever he was high on meds – his voice bellowing when he hit those high notes. By the time they got home, Sara had a massive headache and she couldn't wait to get her husband settled on the couch so she could have a tumbler of scotch. She'd called ahead and Hope was waiting for them at the door to help her dad into the house.

'What happened to him?' she asked as she put an arm around his back to support him.

Neal's eyes went from his wife to his daughter, that goofy smile still on his lips. 'You two are the best, do you know that?' he asked, as he stood immobile, seemingly unable to walk and talk at the same time.

'Honey, your legs...keep moving' Sara admonished as he took another two steps.

'I mean it. Honey, you're the best thing I ever did' he slurred, looking at Hope. 'Well, you and your brother, that is' he continued as he stopped moving again.

'NEAL!' Sara said, urging him along. 'Why don't you tell us _all_ about it when we get you settled inside?'

'Okay' Neal said in agreement as he took another few steps.

'Hey, there's Myrtle!' he said as he stopped dead in his tracks once again.

'Myrtle!' he called out to their next door neighbor. 'Guess what? I just had a vasectomy!'

'Good for you Neal!' she called out unexpectedly.

Sara rolled her eyes as Myrtle Stevens waved back, undeterred. 'Good luck Sara!' she added.

It took a good five minutes for what should have been a 45 second trek to the couch in the family room and Sara and Hope put Neal down as gently as possible. Sara knew it was just a question of time before the drugs wore off and Neal was left with a very sore scrotum.

'Honey!' Neal said, dreamily as he finally settled in. 'Why didn't you tell me it was going to be this easy?'

She kissed the top of his head, knowing full well they were not out of the woods yet.

'You are so brave, Neal' she managed to say with a straight face. ' _So_ brave!'

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

**Chapter 10**

'Ring-a-ling' Sara heard in the distance as she and Hope finished changing the sheets on her bed.

Hope looked up at her mom with quiet exasperation. 'It's your turn' she said as Sara rolled her eyes.

'I'm pretty sure it's _your_ turn... but I'll go' Sara responded as she finished tucking in the corner of the sheet.

Except for the continuous jingling of the small pewter bell, the house had been relatively quiet for a Friday night; Liam was out to dinner with Mozzie followed by a sleepover at one his godfather's safe houses and Sara was helping Hope tidy up her room while Neal recuperated from his earlier ordeal at Dr. Kirkwood's clinic.

Things had been fine for the first couple of hours after they'd gotten back; Neal had flaked out on the couch and slept off the rest of his drugged stupor but he'd awakened shortly after six o'clock and he'd been ringing that god damn bell every few minutes ever since.

Sara had fond memories of the small tinkling bell; it was one of the few things she'd rescued from her childhood home after her parents had passed away. It brought back memories of her and Emily being catered to by their mom whenever they were under the weather with the flu or a nasty cold. All they had to do was give it a little rattle and their mom inevitably appeared with a loving smile and a cup of hot cocoa. Sara had used it with both Hope and Liam as they grew up; after all, its sound was a lot more pleasant than hearing 'Mom' called out repeatedly.

Neal, on the other hand, had been thoroughly abusing the damn thing for the past couple of hours. Sara pasted on a sweet smile and came down to the family room where Neal lay, moaning on the couch.

'Everything okay?' she asked as Neal scowled.

'I think I need a new bag of peas' he whined as he lifted the one he'd been cradling against his groin for the past half hour. 'These are getting mushy.'

'Okay' Sara answered, her voice unruffled, as she walked over to the freezer and grabbed for another bag of frozen peas. She picked up the permanent marker she'd left on the kitchen counter and proceeded to write _'Daddy's peas'_ on it; after all, no one was particularly keen on eventually finding those peas on their dinner plate.

'Let me have a look' she said as Neal stretched out his leg, letting out a small pained cry at her gentle touch. To be honest, the whole thing looked pretty nasty and Sara poked gently at Neal's groin, noticing the swelling and the beginning of a dark, brooding bruise right at the base of his scrotum.

'Awww' she said in empathy. 'That looks sore, baby!'

Neal gave her a nod accompanied by a sullen pout. He didn't need much encouragement to continue to wallow and he let out a loud whimper, recoiling at her touch, tucking the bag of frozen vegetables inside his jockstrap and proceeding to curl up on himself.

Sara gave him an encouraging kiss on the top of the head and was halfway up the stairs when the bell rang again. She bit her tongue and reappeared, standing expectantly in Neal's slight line.

'I can't reach the remote' he declared sweetly, arm outstretched.

She grabbed for the remote control which was just out of his reach and handed it over to him with a forced smile.

'Anything else you need?' she asked patiently, trying hard to control the frustration which was beginning to bubble just below the surface.

Neal shook his head in response. 'Thanks honey.'

'You sure you don't want anything to drink?' she double checked.

'Naw, I'm good' Neal said as he turned his attention back to the television.

'Okay, well, I'll be upstairs if you need anything' she said as she prepared to leave. Her back had been turned all of two seconds when the little bell chimed again and she rolled her eyes.

She turned to find Neal looking up at her with a dopey smile and puppy dog eyes. 'You want to come sit with me?' he asked, his eyes pleading.

Sara gave him a small smile; she might as well stay nearby, after all she'd already gotten her cardio in for the week, having been up and down the stairs at least a half dozen times.

'Sure' she said as Neal made a production of making room for her on the couch.

He lay his head against her shoulder, his voice plaintive. 'I did it for you' he murmured.

This time, her smile was sincere and she patted his hand. 'I know honey, I know.'

WCWCWC

Sara Ellis had suffered more than her fair share of sleepless nights what with being a mom to two young children. There was the time Liam got that interminable flu and was up every hour on the hour for a straight week and the time Hope had her three month vaccinations and had kept them up day and night. But nothing could have possibly prepared her for the fallout from a freshly vasectomised Neal Caffrey.

The constant moaning was accompanied by loud whimpers and punctuated by sharp little yelps whenever he changed positions on the bed and Sara was growing increasingly anxious to pack up and move to the downstairs couch... which she was planning to do the moment Neal finally dropped off.

'Honey' she said, with all the patience she could possibly muster. 'Maybe, you'd sleep better if I went downstairs.'

'No, no' Neal pleaded as he moved gingerly on the bed towards her, hand permanently on his groin to keep from jostling. 'I _need_ you here.'

'But Neal, neither one of us is getting any sleep' she countered, the voice of reason.

Neal looked at her all dewey-eyed. He'd thus far refused to take anything stronger than Advil but, for the past hour, Sara had been eyeing the small bottle of Vicodin Dr. Kirkwood had prescribed as it sat beckoning on the bedside table.

'Why don't you just take one of those painkillers the doctor prescribed' she asked, at her wit's end.

'You know how weird I get on those things' Neal whined. 'And they make me throw up.'

'But at least you'll get some sleep' Sara said, removing the child proof cap and taking one of the small white pills in the palm of her hand. She raised it up towards Neal's face and gave him a pleading look.

'Will you stay with me?' he asked, his voice almost childlike.

'Sure' she lied without blinking an eye.

'Alright' he mumbled, taking the pill from her hand. 'But don't blame me if I get sick all over the bed.'

Sara stood and returned momentarily with a glass of water for Neal to take his pill with and he reached out for her with one hand, his other hand cradling the jockstrap he was still wearing. He turned onto his right side and Sara positioned herself behind him, her arms around his chest as he brought up his left hand to place on top of hers... just in case she tried to get away.

Within minutes, he'd dropped off but not before telling her that he had always wanted to skydive and why hadn't he done it and was it too late to learn. Sara let out a sigh of relief at the eventual silence and hoped that would be the end of it... at least until morning.

WCWCWC

'So, how bad is it?' Elizabeth asked as the women sat at the Caffrey kitchen table.

'Think of the worst case scenario... then multiply it by ten' Sara answered, tongue in cheek.

'Awww. Poor guy!' El said in an uncharacteristic show of empathy; she always _did_ have a soft spot for Neal.

'Poor guy? Poor me!' Sara answered. 'I've been catering to his every little whim for the past twenty four hours.'

'I suppose...' El said, thoughtful. 'But you have to admit, he's always been there for you whenever you've been sick.'

Sara thought back to the year from hell while she was going through her cancer treatments; Neal had been at her beck and call day and night... and that had lasted a lot longer than a few days.

'You're right. I would have made a _terrible_ nurse' Sara admitted. 'I just can't stand the moaning and if I hear that goddam bell one more time, I swear to God, El, I'm throwing it out the window.'

Right on cue, the bell could be heard off in the distance.

WCWCWC

'So, on a scale of one to ten, how bad is the pain?' Peter asked as he sat in the armchair in the Caffrey bedroom.

He didn't remember _ever_ being in Neal and Sara's bedroom and it felt strange to be sitting there, keeping Neal company while he lay there, curled up in the bed.

'Eleven' Neal answered, deadpan.

Peter scoffed, thinking back to all the minor mishaps Neal had suffered over the years – all those bumps and bruises while he worked undercover.

'Neal, you were shot in the leg, for crying out loud. That had to be worse than this' Peter argued.

'Nnnno!' Neal answered adamantly. 'This is _much_ worse.'

Peter stared back, not believing a word. Neal could be such a drama queen when he let himself go. It was a bloody vasectomy not open heart surgery.

'So when do you go back to work?' Peter asked.

'I don't know... a couple of weeks' Neal whined.

'A couple of weeks!' Peter exclaimed. 'When you went for the consult, the doctor told you you'd be back on your feet in a couple of days.'

'Whatever...' Neal answered with a pout as he reached listlessly for the little bell and gave it a decisive shake.

Peter's eyes narrowed at the sound. 'What do you need, buddy? I can get it for you' he said, preparing to rise.

'It's okay' Neal answered dismissively. 'Sara doesn't mind.'

WCWCWC

The weekend passed at a snail's pace and Neal slowly but surely began to pull himself together. The little bell somehow disappeared from the bedside table (where the hell had it gone to anyway?) and Sara encouraged Neal to get up and move around a little more. He'd developed a hell of a large bruise on his testicles but the swelling seemed to be going down as the days wore on and by Sunday night, they decided to go out for dinner. Neal brought along a cushion to sit on and the four of them settled down to a family meal out for the first time in a couple of weeks.

Sara had to admit that watching Neal Caffrey walk as if he'd just gotten off a horse was amusing; he'd had that annoying strut of his since the day she'd first laid eyes on him in a courtroom all those years ago and seeing him struggle just to put one foot in front of the other was mildly disconcerting.

By the middle of the week, Neal was back at work and the moaning and groaning had mostly faded as he began to wean off all the pain meds and return to his regular life.

Unfortunately, despite all his pain and suffering, Neal wasn't yet reaping the full benefits of his huge sacrifice. He'd been sold a bill of goods: wild, carefree sex for the rest of his natural life but when he and Sara resumed having sex the following weekend, it was carried out very gingerly and sadly, with the use of a condom.

'Last box' Neal declared as he took out one of the twelve remaining condoms. 'We're not buying any more of these... ever!'

He grabbed for something from the bedside table as Sara lay there expectantly.

'Neal!' she said, slightly miffed at the fact his eyes had moved away from her and towards a sheet of paper that had suddenly materialized in his hands. 'I'm over here!'

'Yeah, just a sec. I need to start counting my... you know... I need 15 to 20 before we can send the first sample in' he said as he jotted something down.

Sara shook her head, trying to stay in the zone. 'Always the romantic, Caffrey' she groaned.

WCWCWC

Sara heard a soft whimpering sound as she walked past their bedroom door carrying a basket full of clean laundry. Neal had said something about taking a nap and she wondered if he might be having a bad dream. Ever since the procedure, he'd been a little off and his sleep patterns seemed to be turned upside down. She pressed her ear against the door, listening for any further sounds, urged on by a soft, plaintive and yet vaguely familiar moan.

She put the laundry basket down and placed her hand on the doorknob, pushing the door open gently so as not to wake her sleeping husband - if indeed he _was_ snoozing. She was met with a disturbing sight, something she'd always feared she might walk in on someday – although, in her imagination, she was walking in on a pre-adolescent Liam and not her 49 year old husband.

'Sara!' Neal said with horror as he immediately removed his hand from his crotch and sat up in the bed.

Sara looked flustered for a brief moment as she pulled her gaze away; Neal didn't fist his mister much anymore - their regular romps in the sheets were usually more than enough to satisfy his sexual appetite.

'What are you…?' she stopped before finishing her sentence. It was more than obvious _what_ he'd been doing.

'I was just…' Neal began nervously, feeling like a pimply faced pre pubescent kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

Laughter broke out as the two of them stared at each other, realizing how silly they both must look; Sara's mouth agape and Neal looking like he'd just been caught red handed, robbing a museum. Sara moved to the edge of the bed and took a seat, glancing at the sheet of paper Neal had been keeping nearby with the unusual stats as he diligently worked himself up to 20 'post-vasectomy' discharges.

'So, how many are you up to?' she asked.

'This is number thirteen' he said, looking somewhat embarrassed.

She grinned and suddenly she was feeling a little naughty. 'Can I give you a hand with that?'

Neal's face relaxed into a wide grin. 'Lucky thirteen!' he exclaimed as grabbed for his wife's hand.

TBC


	11. Chapter 11

**Chapter 11**

'Oh my God! He is soooo cute!' Hope squealed as she cradled the tiny baby in her arms.

Neal and Sara exchanged nervous looks. 'Well, don't go getting any ideas!' Neal warned his daughter as he touched the baby's head tenderly.

'Daaaad!' Hope whined, returning her eyes to little Michael Jedediah Jones.

Clinton got up from the comfortable spot he'd been occupying on the Caffrey couch and made his way over.

'You're a natural, Hope' he said to the young teen, frowning as Neal gave him a disapproving glare.

'What?' Jones asked, not sure what he'd said to elicit such a reaction from the usually relaxed Caffrey.

'Just wait until _you_ have a teenage daughter' Neal responded as his eyes returned to the beautiful baby.

'We won't be gone long' Ivy said to Sara as the two women sat side by side.

Sara shooed her away. 'Ivy, enjoy... it's your first night out in six weeks. I promise we'll take _really_ good care of him.'

'I know...' the woman answered sweetly. 'It's just that...'

Sara looked over at the new mom with a warm smile. 'Believe me, I get it. I remember the first date night Neal and I had after Hope was born. We were a wreck ... and she was with Peter and Elizabeth! But Neal and I kept checking in and I think we ended up talking about her the whole night.'

'Well, not the _whole_ night' Neal said with a devilish grin.

Ivy Jones nodded. 'Well, the diapers are in the bag and there are two bottles of breast milk, although I'm sure he won't need two... I just fed him before coming over and...'

'Ivy, Ivy' Sara interrupted, hand on her friend's arm. 'You're covered. We've got this.'

Ivy nodded and stood. Suddenly, it was Clinton who was having trouble tearing himself away from his newborn son.

'Caffrey, you've got our cell phone numbers and the number of the restaurant is in the bag and here's the make and license plate of our car just in case...'

'Jones, we've got this. Don't worry. Go out and enjoy yourselves...and _don't_ hurry back' Neal said as he ushered his friend out the door.

He watched as the couple drove away, turning to his wife who was cradling the little guy.

'New parents!' he exclaimed with a wide grin.

WCWCWC

'Here, let _me_ try' Sara said as she reached out to take the screaming infant from Neal's arms.

She walked the length of the house, bopping up and down in the hopes of getting the baby to calm down. What had begun as soft moaning had grown to epic proportions over the past hour as his insistent cries had culminated to inconsolable screams.

'I don't get it. He was fine just a little while ago' Neal lamented, following in Sara's footsteps with the bottle of breast milk in his hands. 'Do you want to try feeding him again?'

Sara took the bottle from Neal's hand and attempted to place it in the baby's mouth, pulling back instantly as the crying intensified.

'Daaad' Liam called out as he appeared at the bottom of the staircase. 'I'm _trying_ to finish my homework.'

Neal walked over to his son, glancing anxiously over his shoulder at Sara who was holding the crying infant. 'I know, buddy. We're doing our best, here. Try listening to some music, okay?'

Liam trudged back up the stairs towards his room. He couldn't quite believe that, at one point, he used to pray for a baby brother.

'Maybe, I could take him out for a car ride. That used to work with Liam' Neal suggested, rapidly running out of ideas.

'We don't have his car seat!' Sara reminded him as she continued with the odd little jig.

'Right' Neal mumbled as he continued to pace.

'You're sure there's no soother in there?' Sara asked as Neal rushed over to the diaper bag and began removing every single item therein for the third time.

'No' he declared, putting everything back. 'Let me try singing to him again' he volunteered as Sara rolled her eyes.

'What? It used to work with Hope' Neal reminded her as she handed little Michael over.

Sara glanced nervously at the clock. It was going on nine o'clock and with the warm summer weather, all the windows in the house were open; it was just a question of time before one of the neighbors started complaining about the loud wailing. She watched as Neal sang to the baby, his voice barely heard over the loud cries; he was giving him his full repertoire, from 'Twinkle, twinkle little star' to 'Hush little baby' – all the classics – and yet there was no sign that the little Jones man was winding down.

More than anything, Sara was worried that Clinton and Ivy would return and find their baby in such a state. They would be traumatized and would never want to go out again or worse yet, would never trust them with their little guy.

The sound of Neal's soft voice was being drowned out and Sara began to worry they would never find a way to calm the baby down.

'Let's try laying him on his tummy' she suggested as Neal came over to join her on the couch.

He placed the tiny infant on his stomach across his lap, rubbing his back gently to no avail: the baby was having none of it, his tiny legs kicking up as he continued to wail breathlessly.

'Nope...' Neal said with a wayward glance to his wife.

'Let me check his diaper again' Sara began as Neal gently turned the baby over.

Footsteps came bounding down the stairs and the harried babysitters looked up to find their daughter standing there, hands on her hips.

'Mom, this is ridiculous' Hope said, as she stood before her parents. 'Did you try the soother?'

' _What_ soother?' Sara asked, eyes wide.

She watched as Hope walked over to the kitchen counter, returning with a blue soother in her hand.

'This one' Hope said with an eye roll. 'Ivy said he needed it to fall asleep.'

'What the...' Neal said with a sigh as he took the item from his daughter's hand and placed it gently on the baby's lips.

Little Michael immediately recognized the familiar item and latched on, his breathing irregular as he began sucking madly on the soother to Neal and Sara's relief.

'Why didn't you say anything before?' Sara asked, flustered.

'Mom, you were standing right there when Ivy told me about it' Hope complained. 'Did you guys really have two babies of your own?' she huffed before turning on her heels and returning from whence she'd come.

Calm gradually returned to the Caffrey house as Neal and Sara resumed normal breathing.

'Oh, my God! That was brutal' Neal exclaimed as he placed the baby between them on the couch. His little face was puffy from having cried and Sara gently wiped the tears off his cheeks as his eyes finally fluttered shut, his mouth madly sucking on the soother.

They fell back on the couch, totally exhausted. It had been a long time since they'd had to deal with a crying newborn and they were getting long in the tooth to be dealing with such a demanding task.

'It's hard to believe we've been through this twice before' Sara remarked as she turned to face Neal, head thrown back against the couch.

'I know. How did we ever do it?' Neal answered, running his hand through his hair.

'Well, for one thing, we were a lot younger' Sara whispered, not wanting to wake the snoozing baby.

Neal glanced down at little Michael. 'He _is_ awfully cute, though' he said, running his hand down his tiny face.

Sara's face suddenly grew dark and Neal immediately knew what she was thinking. 'You realize that if we'd had little Hannah, she'd be about two months old now...' Sara said, suddenly sad.

Neal reached out to take her hand as he smiled wistfully at her. The baby they'd lost, a little girl, was never far from their minds, the loss still painfully raw after almost a year.

No words were necessary and after a moment of silence, their gazes returned to the little bundle of joy that lay between them.

WCWCWC

'He was no trouble at all' Sara lied as Clinton picked up the sleeping baby in his arms.

Neal gave her a stunned look – all this time, he'd thought _he_ was the conman in their coupling.

'Anytime you two need to get away' Neal added. 'We'd love to have him.'

Ivy reached out, hugging Sara. 'Thanks guys. It was really nice to get away for a couple of hours.'

Sara and Neal stood out on their front porch, waving their friends off. It was a beautiful, warm night and they lingered for a moment, arms around each other, before stepping back into the house. They started tidying up, getting ready for bed. Having to deal with a screaming baby had taken its toll on them and even though it was just past ten o'clock, they were both ready to hit the sack.

'What's this?' Neal asked as he picked up a piece of paper that had been left lying by the phone in the kitchen.

Sara handed him his reading glasses which Neal proceeded to perch on the end of his nose.

'It's a message from the clinic. When did _they_ call?' he said as he attempted to decipher his daughter's handwriting.

Sara's ears perked up. They'd been waiting for a few days now for the results from the sample Neal had brought in for testing.

'Hope!' he called up as he heard her bedroom door open in the distance.

'What?' she called down from the top of the stairs.

'When did the clinic call?' Neal asked, making his way to the bottom of the staircase.

'This aft' she answered, annoyed at being interrupted while she was listening to music.

Neal looked expectantly for her to continue. 'Well?' he finally said in response to her silence. 'What did they say?'

'The woman just said to tell you 'All clear' whatever _that_ means' Hope answered before disappearing.

She returned to her room and didn't see the smile erupt on her dad's face.

WCWCWC

Neal lay on his back, watching Sara undress. It had been a long time coming. Two sperm tests and countless weeks later, they had finally gotten the long awaited green light. Neal couldn't wait to finally reap the benefits of the painful procedure and its aftermath. The weeks following the vasectomy had been rough. He had developed an infection and he'd been on antibiotics for weeks before it healed properly and the scab finally fell off. Everything seemed to be in working order since then although they were still using the god awful condoms. He reached over for the box in the bedside table, noting there were still two left in the box.

'Here' he said, handing them over to Sara. 'Do you want to do the honors?'

'With pleasure!' she said with a gleam in her eye as she headed towards the bathroom.

'Hurry back!' he called with that same naughty look as he felt himself start to relax.

Sara made her way to the washroom and took one last, dismissive look at the box of condoms before dumping it unceremoniously in the garbage can by the toilet. Finally, the ordeal was over. No more waiting. Starting now, they were finally free to engage in sex anytime they wanted, without the worry of an unwanted pregnancy.

She brushed her teeth and her hair and she applied a little bit of lipstick – even though it _was_ bedtime. She gave herself a little spritz of the perfume Neal had given her for Christmas – his favorite scent. Not that he'd need any encouragement. She took one last look in the mirror - not bad for a 44 year old mother of two, she thought as she turned out the light and headed back to the boudoir and her husband's loving arms.

'You know I thought this day would never come' she said as she stepped into the bedroom, noticing Neal lying flat on his back, eyes closed.

She climbed onto the bed beside him and leaned in close to his face. 'Cute Caffrey...pretending to be asleep.'

She could hear the now familiar sound of soft snoring – something she'd become increasingly accustomed to as the years passed.

'Caffrey?' she repeated as he lay there, motionless, dead to the world.

She let herself fall onto her pillow and shook her head in dismay as she stifled a yawn. Being caregiver to a newborn baby sure took it out of you! She reached over to turn off the bedside lamp and curled up against Neal who was still blissfully asleep.

'Rain check...' she muttered before promptly nodding off.

La fin


End file.
